ONLINE POKER CONUNDRUM

Does this happen to you guys? Im guessing IT HAS TO.

Three days now. Three freaking days in a row. Nearly everything I play...I get deep. Even 1 or 2 from the money. And everytime, I get 1, 2 or 3 outed to not cash. Ive been taking great measures not to drive myself nuts, so I have been mixing up my days.

Play ball with the dogs. Watch movies on my new TV. Play Xbox360 and PS3 in between sessions of online poker. Even work in some rope skipping, pushups and crunches. Right? Good strategy? Could really insert 'mow the lawn' but its done nothing but rain for the last week.

So I am now in this rut. This unbelievably confounding RUT. Played on Pokerstars tonight, again...and again...got ass raped. What is going on? Get it in with JJ, lose to 55. Get it in with QQ, lose to 88. The best one was on the bubble, this guy just SHOVES...and I have KK. Whatever, Im sure he will have some bullshit ace, right? Of course. But he doesnt hit the ace. Oh no. He has A4, of spades. You will like this flop. K-K-3. Nice. Quads. Bout to be chipleader, right? Well, the 3 is a spade. Might as well put a 2 of spades on the turn. Hey....there IS a way to lose this afterall! What does the river bring? Why, how about the 5 of spades? Are you kidding me? I am NOT making this up. So I walk away.

Decide, hmmm...as bad as I am running on Stars, lets try and play on Full Tilt. After all I have around $400 in there. Since I have sat here and watched my Stars balance fall from $1000 to around $220 in the last week. So I buy into 5 games. The biggest one, I have a nice stack, halfway thru the field. Guy min raises. People on Tilt seem to really like the min-raise. Well, I re-raise it pretty big. Dude calls. Flop comes 5-5-2. He checks. I bet. He raises. Whatever dude, I do NOT have AK you clown. I move all in. He calls. With 99. I literally whisper..."hmmm nine on the river?" And right on cue...BOOM! 9 on the river. Wow. Really?

I will lose the other 3, one I lose two from the money, one I lose 5 from the money, and the other I lose 9 from the money. In every hand I was ahead preflop, and ahead after the flop. All I won was about $10 in bounty money for whacking idiots. I am flabbergasted. They might play worse on Full Tilt. Everyone on the internet is HORRID! How do you make a living playing online? I hear guys say...."I kill online." HOW? I promise you, I am not making mistakes. I am sincerely convinced that the sites have certain players they favor. They have to. I don't know...if I have to screw someone's fat, ugly wife in the offices of Pokerstars....I am almost ready to do it.

One day Squirrel and I are going to have a baby. I will have whatever winnings I still have sitting in the bank. In the meantime, I will be sitting around the house...bored off my ass, unable to travel to a poker event...because we have a baby. And I will play online. And I will slowly drive myself crazy. The upside? I now have health insurance. So its a very real possibility that there could be a future trip to the pharmacy for something like...mmm...not familiar with all the current popular brands of anti-anxiety medications...but I am sure I will quickly familiarize myself with them to the point of being an expert on the subject!

So after this latest Full Tilt beatdown...I logged off. I sat there, watching a bad preseason football game. Thats boring. Should I get on Xbox? Nope, not really feeling that either! Do some pushups? Can't, my arms are sore from doing them earlier. Play ball with the dogs? Its raining out. Watch a movie? Don't have any. And there is nothing on. OH MY GOD. I don't know what to do with myself! You see those shows...or hell, just drive over there...to New Orleans, and you see those people, sitting out on their front porches. Not doing anything, really. Just....just sitting out there. WTF? What is that? They always look like they are on the verge of heat stroke too.

I can think of only one place where I would like to be, just sitting there, doing nothing. That would be at a Pro Beach Volleyball game (featuring women, duh) in somewhere like San Diego. Check that. There is another place I just thought of. Sittin on the top deck of a big ass yacht...in Maui...half buzzed, watching Humpback whales. Yeah, that would work. Hmmmm. Not too many places though that I can think of. And that really kind of troubles me a bit. So now what do I do? Get back online...take some more UTTERLY ridiculous bad beats that feel completely orchestrated? And drive myself further insane? Do I need to get online and find some stupid social clubs to join?

I have no answers. Only more questions. Even the book I am reading right now is boring me. Might be time to make a switch.

The comments on this last 'issue' have almost set a record. I've had an interesting developement occur. The guy who first came in as the guy I labeled "Anonymous Andy" somehow had his identity stolen. Yeah, identity theft on a blog message board. Pretty effed up, eh? Today, I get one...."Monkey, please dont post this...this is THE ACTUAL Anonymous Andy. Someone else has been posting crap saying he's me." He goes on to explain a few things, wishing to distance himself from some of the comments that the other jerkoff has made. He made three very stupid/ugly/offensive/retarded/meaningless comments today...I didn't bother publishing them. Some of the others were funny. Some were a little irritating. Whatever, I'm almost always going to publish them.

I have contacted the management of the Beau Rivage, both by phone and email. Or rather, I have sent email and left a phone message. I have not heard back from them. Not sure what to make of it. So, therefore...I am making nothing of it. Really just want to know if they are going to let me play the GCPC, and if not, am I getting the $5,000 refunded for the Main Event seat I already won? Not exactly sure how that works, but I would think that if you won a seat, and the seat is clearly WORTH $5000, and wasn't won through a freeroll or anything like that...it would seem that I am entitled to the $5000. Right?

Also, would like to know so I can make travel arrangements to Borgata to play that tourney up there. Got a lot of buddies from the NY/NJ area that will be there playing so it would actually be pretty fun. Plus, I've always wanted to play up there.

Okay this Preseason game between NYG and CAR just got a little more interesting. This is where I must bring some negativity. There are a couple of reasons for being excited about the upcoming football season. First of all, I hope my Seahawks can improve on last years 4-12, and my Huskies can win ONE damn game. Second, I have a very KICKASS new TV to watch the games on this year. Third, I have a huge amount of pool action and fantasy leagues that are just beginning to kick into high gear. THREE fantasy leagues, all of which are full...and a big money league...which is half full. And all my Survivor Pools. Its going to be a great football season! Fourth, the MNF crew got rid of one of the most annoying football announcers in the history of MNF...in Tony Kornheiser. Only one thing wrong with that. While they were cleaning house they forgot to take out the rest of the garbage, that being Ron Jaworski and that little 'thing' that lives down on the sidelines that I am almost POSITIVE is banging 'Jaws' since they both talk identically. Same inflection in their voice, same annoying delivery. She is to my psyche what Mary Hartman was to that lady in Iowa or wherever. You remember? The lady who would have seizures whenever she heard Mary Hartman? When I hear Suzie Kolber talk I freak out.

But Jaworski!!!??? Oh my gawd. Wow the Giants just scored an improbable last second TD to win this thing and NOT go to OT. Wow. Hit the QB, shoot ball up in the air...catch it...run for TD. NICE! Oh...and we get to hear Jaworski growl and shout. There are a few expressions that if I do not have to EVER hear again in football I would be willing to strip off all my clothes and run naked down the street and back.

#1 THESE GUYS PLAY FOOTBALL THE FOOTBALL IS MEANT TO BE PLAYED. THEY PLAY GOOD OLD FASHIONED 'SMASH MOUTH FOOTBALL'! *&(@#$(@ smash mouth!!!!!
#2 BRETT FAVRE HAS ANNOUNCED THAT HE IS GOING TO CALL IT QUITS. wow, really? that is a total shock!
#3 ITS PRETTY OBVIOUS THAT THESE GUYS CAME TO PLAY TODAY! huh? which team ever decides to show up for a game with the intent NOT to play that day?
#4 THEY HAVE FINALLY GOTTEN THE MONKEY OFF THEIR BACK! when exactly did I crawl up and plant myself on anyone's back? thats just stupid!
#5 ITS STILL NEW TO THE GAME...BUT I HAVE ALMOST HAD MY FILL OF EVERYTHING HAVING TO DO WITH THE WORD 'WILDCAT' !!!!!
#6 Anyone watching HBO's 'Hard Knocks...with the Cincinnatti Bengals' this year? Well, I am watching an interview with Ray Lewis on ESPN and just heard from him what I heard ad nauseum out of Chad OCHODORKO's mouth the other night. Know what it is? You will hear again this year I promise. It will be overused. And all those little assholes that are still walking around gas stations late at night with their pants pulled halfway down their ass will be shouting it to anyone stupid enough to listen to them. Ready? "CHILD PLEASE!" Thats right. CHILD PLEASE. You heard it hear first. The best was OCHOFUCKO explaining it, as if we 'whiteys' are just too fucking stupid to figure it out. Yeah yeah Chad, we GET IT idiot. Ebonics aren't that tough to figure out you joker.
#7 This shouldnt be on this list. One thing I will NOT ever get sick of are the COORS LIGHT COMMERCIALS featuring the coaches during their post-game interviews...with intakes of questions. Those are great!

Oh. Yeah! Hey...so Mike Vick has signed with Philly. Good. Good for him. The Eagles are welcoming him with open arms. Good. The guy screwed up. Big time. All his boys ratted him out and skated with little to no punishment. Good friends, huh? Fuckers. Well, he's done his time. Maybe more than he should have. I hope he finds some success. I hope he makes some money and gets out of debt. Now here is what is funny. These assholes, from PETA, and from the Humane Society, with all their protesting against Vick; WOW! What a bunch of fucking hypocrites! I had no idea, but when prompted, did a little digging, and what I discovered was alarming. PETA is responsible for over 25,000 animal DEATHS a year! No kidding. And the humane society? You know their deal! Animal control catches strays...they go to jail, death row. They have a limited time to be claimed or adopted, and then they DIE! I think you ALL know how much I love dogs. Ever gone to pick up your pet from the Animal Control after they got out and got snagged? I have. Once. When I lived in Georgia. These people are the most miserable human beings alive. All I wanted to do was grab a baseball bat and start swinging at these fuckers when I was there. And now, suddenly they want us all to think they are the divine protectors of the animal world!?? Give me a break! If you don't believe me, GOOGLE the phrase 'PETA ANIMAL DEATHS'...you will shit your pants. Oh and if you love dogs as much as I do, and haven't seen the movie 'Hotel For Dogs' rent it. Its great.

SO GOOD LUCK MIKE VICK. Saw his interview on 60 Minutes Sunday. He seemed pretty sincere about his intentions to be a better person. Granted, I'm sure that interview was pretty scripted. Whatever. I hope he does well in Philly. Also on that show, was Chris Martin of ColdPlay. Now there is a very, very interesting and cool dude. Someone I would really love to hang out with...like, I don't know...maybe on a camping trip or something. Almost everything the guy said was intriguing. I am always easily impressed by musicians though.

Entourage was pretty good Sunday night. Was pretty weird. Just watched "Fools Gold" with Matthew McConnaughey (however you spell it) and there was this tiny little chick who was kind of hot...but just too tiny or something. I don't know...munchkin-like. But one nice scene had her laid out on the deck of the yacht when a sword came flying out of nowhere and landed between her legs...with her sitting there...legs spread...staring down at the sword...you could say it had some sexual overtones. Yup it worked! Well, turns out...I'm watching Entourage and the chick Ashley that 'E' is dating (or trying to, after Sloan) is that little girl. I don't know. Is she hot? Is she too munchkin-ney? Tough call.

Line of the night. Ari...who is famous for the great quotes...was pissed about two people in his office having an afffair, one that caused the guy in the mix to have his wife storm into the office threatening to kill whoever it is that "is fucking my husband!!!!" That scene starred Jami Gertz...boy has she slid off the slope of hotness...and it was killer. But when ARI calls them both into his office, with the intent to fire them both...she manages to change his mind, after telling him that she ended it with the twit. She demands to go back to her desk to work. ARI: "GO! And if you so much as EYEFUCK another employee in this building, I will have you deported...NAKED...to the Taliban!!!!" An instant classic.

Seems like a good place to end this blog...which by the way, is what I decided to do when I could find NOTHING ELSE to do!!!!!!!

MONKEY