True or False: Somewhere...out there...grows a Money Tree!

I am sitting here on the precipice of doom and gloom. It's another one of those moments. Do I write an entry? Do I admit failure? Do I profess the feeling of complete and utter frustration? Do I once again...for about the 5th time of the 8 times I have ventured up to this stain on Gods otherwise beautiful canvas...start my Tunica bashing?


What is it with this place? It is easily, without a doubt...the closest thing to playing online poker that you can get in a live setting. What makes it all the more irritating is you will be sitting there, lamenting your horrible experience, the bad beats, the ridonk-u-lous calls that have resulted in your imminent demise, and low and behold, both players on your right and left will wholeheartedly agree with you. They will sympathize, share a story of their own...and suddenly, you start to feel as though you have found an ally, someone who when you go off to war, get down in the trenches...and start dodging the flying bullets...will have your back.



And then, suddenly you feel a stinging pain in the back of your neck...oh my God....followed by that cold, wet liquid running down your back, and into the back of your jeans. Then it starts to burn. You are dying. You have been ambushed. Blindsided.



Yeah that is what happened today in the $340. The $340. Pfffft. What a joke of a tourney this abortion is. You sit down, look around you...and cringe. On the first hand...you get KJh...limp in for 50. See two more limp. Then you get the inevitable raise to, ahem....650, by Mr. Fag Glasses on the button. You sigh. Oh...but then this...after you fold KJ...because you consider yourself to be a good player....he gets TWO CALLS! And the tourney has begun.



Monkey adopts 'The Strategy'...limping with top 15 hands with the intent to call the raise, then hope to either HIT a flop, or God Forbid, actually outplay a mule. (good luck, see Ripley's Believe It or Not) With top 3 hands, it is no longer the correct play up here to limp....get raised...with a call or two...and RE-RAISE. Oh no! No way. You have QQ/KK/AA...and you get raised...quite simply, the ONLY raise that is ANY good...is ALL IN! I know. It sucks. But...the thing is, unless you feel like playing AA/KK four-handed, you are required to SHOVE that SHIT...and take down your semi puny pot, or you will most likely be leaving early.



I used 'The Strategy' to my advantage early and often. I limped often, and missed often. I raised very few times...and got called every damn time, by 3 or 4 players. Occasionally I would hit something, bet big...and miraculously get everyone to fold. Then IT happened. Me and FAG GLASSES finally got into a major clash. I look down at AK. The guy UTG limps. Next guy calls. I make it 650 to go. FAG GLASSES throws 2250 out there. Nice try asshole. He has pulled this about 3 times already, and OH! I've stopped caring about this Donk Fest, I am actually quite interested in getting into the Stud Hi/Lo tourney that starts at 2pm. The others fold. It comes back to me and I do something exactly the way you need to do it. I Insta-Shove. Fag Glasses folds like a little bitch. Pffffft. Jackass. I see him seething. Next hand I limp in with A4h...and he makes it 1100. This guy is just begging someone to bust him.



Here is a good little tale about a paranoid, defensive dipshit wearing Fag Glasses. Sitting at cutoff with the blinds at 100/200...Fag Glasses raises to 1100. Yeah, this was a pretty standard raise for this pole smoker. Now this is good. Oh...it should be mentioned that me and the 4 seat have sort of made a connection. That connection...you know the one...when you have been sitting there for over an hour, and you just kind of figure out who the mutually talented players are...and you sort of just gravitate towards one another? If you don't know what I am talking about...then the chances are, you suck balls as a poker player. So anyway, for those who KNOW what I am talking about, me and the 4 seat are now exchanging those glances you exchange after watching various hands play out.



Back to Fag Glasses. Which by the way have not budged from the spot that is neither on top of the head, or on the eyes...no, somewhere in between, slightly above the immediate forehead area. He looks, in a word...fucking ridiculous, and now I am kicking myself for not snapping off a picture. FUCK! The guy in the BB...he sees the raise, and starts laboring. He is down to about 6500 chips. So yeah, thats a call of 15% of his stack right? He FLATS IT. Me and 4-seat make that facial expression...you know the one..."Flat call? What the fuck!??" The flop comes Q-high. And here we go with something Fag Glasses was doing a lot of...shutting it down after the preflop raise....check, check, check,check,check,check....oh wait...we are into STUD now, right? Checks the flop. Turn is some rag. Check, check. What is going on here? Oh...Ace on the river...check by the BB...and a bet of 600...yeah, SIX HUNDRED! Into a 2300 pot. Annnnd the BB calls. Guess what they turn over? you won't guess...so don't even try. Because why? Because this is FUCKING TUNICA! I almost don't even WANT TO TELL YOU...make you suffer....like I am suffering here every minute of every day. But I will. I guess. Our little idiot with the glasses turns over A4off. MmmmmHmmmmm. NH sir. The guy in the BB? Lets try on KK for size. You heard me right. HE HAD MOTHER(*@#*(& KINGS! No preflop re-raise! No bet on the Q-high board. No turn bet. And then CALLS, a JOKE of a bet...after the Ace hits. What freaking planet are we on? Planet Tunica.



So me and the 4 seat start the looks, and the quiet giggling, like two little 8 year olds who just found their fathers Playboy collection. Somewhere during the next hand...Fag Glasses gets my attention..."Hey, you shouldn't be laughing at other players!" I look at this guy...and in a very monotone delivery say to him, "first of all, who do you think I was laughing at? Can you answer that? Secondly, if you would quit giving me and everyone else at the table things to laugh about, we probably wouldn't be laughing. Oh and the other thing...its a free country there pal, and I will laugh if I want to laugh. Maybe you're feeling a little defensive because you realize how awful you are and just have to say something to defend yourself. Well, you just keep on spending all your chips trying to bust me and see how far that gets you!" He really couldn't come up with much of a comeback. But what he DID do was start raising my BB and SB every single time he got the chance. Only thing was...he kept getting either called or re-raised...and slowly he was running out of chips. I continued laughing at him. Hey, it was funny!



Then the knife wound. I was sitting on 7k. Blinds were 200/400 now. I went on a tear. Re-raised on the button behind a cutoff raiser with AQs...took it down. Raised the next hand with AK...took it down. Showed the hand. Raised with JJ....took it down, showed the hand. Raised with AJ...took it down. Called a raise with KQ. Flop came Q high. Guy bet out. I raised. He folded. I was now up to 18,000. Things were looking...well, promising? Dare I say or feel that in this dung heap? Jennifer, the chick from Arkansas, who divorced her husband, lost some weight and got some shiny new titties, and has been making herself...uh...very visible lately at the various circuit events...was at my table. She limps in for 400. Another person calls for 400. Followed by the guy to my right....the "I know what your saying, Monkey...these people are terrible!" guy. I look down at AK. I raise it to 3000...which at this table...is probably not enough. Jen folds. Second guy folds. But this guy...jeeezuz. Okay, all of us GOOD PLAYERS know this guy doesnt have much...if he did HE would have raised behind those two limpers...he decides to PUSH ALL IN! Yeah! Please, old man. What are you doing!? There is now 6k in the pot, its 5 k to call, exactly...and I am about 95% positive that I either have him beat, or have a pretty nice advantage, obviously. I call, duh. He turns over 44. Of course he does. I ask him...."Sir, what are you doing?" He tells me "I thought you were stealing!" You thought I was stealing? Really? Because I've stolen so much so far right? And...did it dawn on you that after you shoved, I would be almost committed to calling you? With your ridiculous pair of 4's? Well, I flopped the Ace. Only thing is...he flopped a 4, to be followed by a 4 on the river. Shit! Back down to 9k or so.



Our table would break shortly after that. Fag Glasses left our table with 2200...and would be out soon after, I know because I saw his stupid ass in the Mega Satellite. I get moved from Seat 10...to another table...SEAT 10. Arrrhhhhhhh kill me! It was another table full of complete clowns. Very similar to the one I was at yesterday...in the 1k, which was an absolute nightmare. I had about 3 cash game players at that one...the kind who get off 'making moves' no matter what the blinds were. Whatever...I could just NEVER get back over 15k. Right out of a break I raise UTG with 88...the guy on my left, nice older guy named Terry...takes my 2400 raise to 10,000! Whoa. The guy on the button FLAT CALLS! Wow. Okay, um...yeah, I fold. Well, Terry only left 3300 behind...so um...yeah, he wasnt folding. Q high flop with ALL SPADES...he goes all in. Button boy calls with JJ, no spades. Terry has AA, with a spade. 1-outer for JJ Boy? Nope.

I blind down. Then BOOM! Guy limps on the button for 1200. Yeah, we are up to 1200. Another nice little jump! We go from 400/800 with a 100 ante...to, ahem...yeah....600/1200 with a 200 ante! Nice...from 2200 a round to 3800! Yeah, not much of a diffence there huh? NO, just almost double! Nice effing structure!



Actually, in yesterday's 1k tourney, the structure was a lot better, there were extra levels, and the levels were 50 minutes long. Were it not for the complete fucking morons at my table, I might actually have cashed yesterday. As it was, I went out 68th, out of 261. I think it was 261. Whatever. That was a fucking joke. This guy I have never seen in my life...who looks like he just stepped out of an AA meeting, raises from early middle position...against the guy who has a MASSIVE chiplead at the table. I am in the SB with JJ. I am hesitant to re-raise...see, I have been used to playing in Vegas all summer, against ACTUAL players who know what the fuck TOURNEY poker is all about...and a good play with JJ against an early raise is to flat call there and see a flop. Especially with a big stack left to act ahead of you. But I catch this guy looking at his cards out of turn and know he doesnt have shit...so I decide I better re-raise this clown from 800 (blinds 100/200) to 2400. BB folds. Fuckstick CALLS! Great. Flop comes 10-8-3, two clubs. I bet out around 40% of my stack. He just shoves. Flush draw is what it smells like. Typical of this place. I decide I am not folding and leaving myself with 11k with the average now at about 18k. I call. He turns over....6c9c. You gotta be kidding me.



Well, he manages to find a 7 for the gutshot, and I was crippled. Amazing. Just amazing. A while later...Captain Limpy limps into my BB with Q9. I check with A9. The flop comes 9-7-7. I check. He bets. I go all in. He says, one of all of our favorite quotes...."Well, I know you have me, but I guess I will call." So he does, and the river brings him a damn Q. Isn't that just delicious! I walk over to the wall, hidden behind a large column, a sit on the floor, and I ...well, I don't know what I did. I've somehow lost that 4 minutes of my life.



Flash back to today. Down to 11k, with the blinds at 600/1200...this guy limps on the button. I am in the BB with AJ. The SB also called. So I am looking at 5600 in the pot. 50% of my stack. And I have to feel like I have the best hand. Either that or this guy just limped with a monster. Yeah, choose option B. He has KK. Delightful. I can't find an Ace like everyone else. And I am out. Again.



Then I go play another SNG. Hmmm..there's Dan again. Who knocked me out of 1 of the 7 FREAKING SNG's that I lost yesterday. Oh that was a wonderful adventure....there was the one where we were down to 3 and my 88 got beat by 55 with a 5 on the river. There was the one where my 10-10, with again, 3 left...and the shortstack all in...with A10...rivered a damn A...and then lost that one two hands later. I have not WON a single damn SNG on this trip. I keep getting 3rd or 4th. Get down to 3 handed on the last one last night...and move in on the button with K9, you know? My favorite hand. Never lets me down. It let me down! SHIT! I end up punching my chips! Not very clever, a clear loss of composure. But an obvious act of frustration. Art the dealer was VERY cool about it, making sure Nikki knew everything was okay. Basically he covered my ass. I mean, nothing was affected, the game was over...but still, dont punch your chips and send them flying all over the place...its not cool Monkey. Thanks Art. Art is really a cool dude. Older guy....pretty good dealer. Very energetic and always really nice to me. Glad it was him dealing. Plus I think he feels bad because he has been coolering me all week. No biggie. I'm done being mad at dealers for the coolers. I KNOW they don't want to bust me. Its just the way things are going for me. And it just happens to be that its this shithole as usual where its happening!



So yeah, I play the 1 SNG after getting whacked today. Psycho Boy was there. Couple guys who overbet every hand. Couple decent players. Well, once again. I would get down to 5...won a big three way pot...to chip up to about 6000. Then Dan goes all in for 1400, and I have QQ. I call. He has 99. Turns a 9. Here we go again. The very next hand...guy on my right calls a guys 1200 raise...I go all in for 2800 with JJ. First raiser folds. The retard on my right calls, with KQ offsuit. "Wow, KQ offsuit huh? Tough to fold that, right?" "Yeah for me it is." Didn't even know how to respond to that. Of course I get the guy in the 10-seat saying "I folded a Jack." Hey! Thanks asshole! Just what I wanted to hear! King on the flop. FUCK ME! Done. Another one!



I went to eat, for the first time in 37 hours. Earlier, I had decided that I was going on a hunger strike. I wasn't going to eat until I won something! Well, thats great I guess if I am trying to lose 20 lbs...but hell, I was about to starve to death...and the way things are going here...I may die before I win something...so I hit the buffet. Ugh. Nice buffet. What the hell? There was like, NOTHING. I guess the last time I was here must have been the weekend when they had all the seafood. I chowed. Then I came upstairs. Oh...how bout that, room key doesnt work. AGAIN! Go down...wait in line, finally get it re-keyed. Back to room. Play some online poker. It goes badly. As it usually does. Then take a 3 hour bath. Ponder the idea of going down for some late night SNGs...then finally decide to bag that idea. Why bother? No nooner to play tomorrow, so I might as well spend all morning and afternoon playing SNGs...try to resurrect my declining bankroll, then get my money ready for 1 or 2 Mega Satellites on Friday (4 & 8) and/or Saturday (4 & 8)...would really like to play and win 2...get 5k back in our bankroll, play this stupid Main Event...that I expect will only be attended by about 125 players...and get the hell out of here!



Right around the time the 1k started on Wednesday, I got into a conversation with Ken Lambert about structure. Told him that EVERY player I know well is disgusted with the tourney structure of this event. That no one was looking forward to Biloxi and the GCPC if these were going to be the same structures. Some guys are talking about skipping it and going to Borgata. I'm not going to lie...the thought is crossing my mind too. Even though it will completely piss Squirrel off if I do that. But hey...I can't keep investing good money in bad events, with bad players and bad structures. With a good structure, I can work my way around the shitty players. But with these crapshoot structures, its a joke. If you dont double or triple up early...you end up sitting there waiting on a top 5 hand, getting it in good, and getting crushed in a 60/40 race and losing to a fucking idiot. What kind of poker is that? Not the kind I want to play.



So...Ken claimed that not ONE player had complained about the structures. I found this comical. However, he was open to the idea of re-vamping them somewhat. Told me he would talk to Johnny Groomes about it. Then I went a step further. I literally wrote down a full structure for each event...what I thought would make all the players happy. Similar to what I did before the Harrah's New Orleans with Jason Lipscomb and later with Steve Frezer. I gave it to him...and told him...if you guys can tell me...you know, like within a week from now...that you can do this, I will make sure the guys on Gulf Coast Poker.net make it front page news, I will promote it in my blog (here) and all over my Facebook. I can almost guarantee that you will attract at least 35% more players if you give us a better structure. Lets see what happens. Everyone cross your fingers! I really want to believe that they will step up and make it happen, make the Beau Rivage tourney a great event. We really NEED a great event at the Beau Rivage. Lets get back to attracting 400-500 players a tourney. Lets get the SNGs back to where there is 10 to 15 running all the time...from 9am to 3am...instead of 5 running...starting at 10am and wrapping up around 1am. We HAVE to get the players out. And the ones we need are the GOOD ones, the ones who come out when the structures are good.

Anyway, I fear that this entry is getting too long. So I'm not sure I want to get into the rest of the things that are on my mind, or waiting until my next entry. I kind of wanted to hit on it now...but I guess I will wait. I am going to try and get some sleep, since its now 2am. Get down there and get after it early...time to end this damn schneid I'm on. I will say THIS...some good players ARE making the Final Tables...so, I don't know...thats a GOOD thing, but its also kind of freaking me out. "If they are making it, why aren't I!???" You know?

Tim Burt has won 2 events. BJ McBrayer has a win and a 3-way chop. Several other good players have made multiple Final Tables. I haven't made any. I guess its a pride thing. I feel like I should be there. But I also have a theory. If there are 300 players to start...50 of them are decent. 10 are very good. 100 of them are horrible, and the other 140 are just somewhere in between, they understand the game, but they have no idea how to win a tournament. I think there is a certain rate of attrition. If you take those 60 good players...35 to 40 of them are going to get clipped by one of the retards, its almost a guarantee. 10 of them are just going to have 'one of those days' where nothing goes right. We all have those. That leaves about 15 to 20...who seem to always get into the money. Thats not a terrible rate. But with a great structure...I think, as they did at Venetian this summer...you are going to have 3 tables left...and of those 27 players....20 of them are decent players. Your donkeys seem to have a way of playing themselves out of the tourney. Donkeys rarely win, and when they do its usually a result of them just gettting clobbered with the deck. Or having one of the days where they just hit everything.

Nonetheless, after the great summer I had out in Vegas, I really felt like I would do well here. I came here confident. I cashed the first tourney I played. I wanted to do well, to kind of represent my Vegas accomplishments. And now..in the last week, everything has just totally gone to shit. Making me feel like I NEVER want to come to this place again. I hate feeling like that. And I hate feeling like I do when I walk into the poker room and want to just shoot half of these people.

Pfffft...on another note, the little 'chat' I had with that certain Tourney Director, who TOLD ME that I would NOT BE insulting peoples' play? Or I will risk getting thrown out? I am sitting there the last two days...and I am finding myself just turtling...because honestly, HOW IN THE HELL can you play up here and NOT make critical remarks towards these assclowns? Its literally impossible almost. So I have taken to laughing to myself. You know? Like when an NBA player gets one of those fucked up fouls called on him...and instead of arguing with the ref and incurring a technical...just carries that silly-ass smile/laugh look on his face? We all know that look. Thats now me. And now I understand it. And so when the guy today tells me "You shouldn't laugh at the players...." I guess its the lesser of two evils, right? "I laugh sir, so that I won't cry!" As I reflect back on my little conversation the other day with HIM...he didn't say anything about laughing about players. So I guess that's okay. I will mask my disdain with the gift of laughter.

Um...real quick. The hallway at this place is becoming a flea market. First the casinos would set up a little area where they sold event-related schwag. That seemed to go away a year and a half ago. Not sure why. Then along came Rounder magazine, the Rounder girls..and their little booth where they sign autographs (odd, that someone would want the autograph of some model who is barely being paid by these guys, who is a waitress somewhere...and who is never all that hot) and sell some Rounder garb. Then along came that dude who makes those card markers. What a racket. This guy takes two poker chips, glues them together, and puts something goofy on top of it, and selling them for $50 t0 $75. He was claiming to be 'working on something' for me...with a Monkey...for like months now. So at this event he presents it to me. And I wasn't sure if he was GIVING it to me, or expecting me to pay for it...because honestly, this is something I would never spend money on. So he gives it to me...and tells me its $100. What? Oh dude, man...wow, $100? He drops it to $75. Jeezuz. I basically was guilted into buying this thing. If you ever see it on the table, be surprised, be very surprised.

Now...at this event...we have a new line of stuff. ONE TIME! Shirts, hats, sweatshirts, all kind of shit. And a lot of people are buying it. Some of it is okay looking. I just hate the stupid expression..."One Time!!!!" And the guy who owns it is a freaky little dude. No idea what his deal is...but I guess he either has some money (from something/somewhere) or is involved with some people who do. Now he is all fired up wanting to know "How do I get me some ONE TIME girls!!!???" Oh, I see what his angle is.

Well, dude. It's not that hard. A little common sense here dude. It's called, you pick up a phone, and you call a modeling agency...and then tell them what you are looking for, how much you are willing to pay, and what will be required of them. Then you have to try real hard not to try and have sex with them, at the risk of creeping them all out. Pretty simple dude.

But there isn't just ONE TIME guy. Now there is the other guy who's name I always forget...he is the brother of 'Cowboy', who I think was named David by his Mother. He drags that little Asian chick around with him...the one who always wants to borrow my ipod. Well, he is now selling glasses, which I think are named Blue Shark or something. Basically, they are like a knock-off of the Oakleys. I tried them on...and was seeing three buttons. Huh? Someone else tried them on and saw the same thing. So what I'm saying is that the lenses are uh...well, needing some work. I am pretty happy with my Ray Bans.

I wanted to discuss my whole little take on subculture...but its going to be pretty long winded and this thing is already way too long. So maybe next time. Good night!

MONKEY