A New Year...some New Rants! I'm due!!!!

I have spent the last week sick. Really sick. Like, so sick that I am contemplating a trip to see Dr. Chance Monday morning. Swine Flu? Pneumonia? Just a really bad lingering cold? Not sure. But its making me and Squirrel both crazy.

I have also spent the last week watching a lot of TV. Which usually leads to me finding a lot of things to rant and rave about. Watching lots of bowl games...some good, some lousy...and watching lots of bad TV.

I've done some driving around town as well...which also gives me more ammunition with which to fire at my fellow human beings...with whom I generally hold in very low regard.

Yeah, it's been a slow week, poker wise...unless you count my numerous horrible bad beats on Pokerstars...and even one brief session on Full Tilt, as poker worthy. I've noticed that Pokerstars no longer responds to emails when you send them specific hand history of a particular hand with a certain player who seems to be blatantly cheating in some shape and form. I mean...they don't even RESPOND. What does THAT mean? I literally started a new WORD document...called Today's Bad Beats. Yesterday I had 6 on there. A slow day. I actually cashed 4 times on Stars yesterday...but all light.

Yeah...this was my favorite. Deep in a $11 MTT with 2 add ons and 1 rebuy...I have 48k. Blinds are 1k/2k. I pick up AA and raise to 5500. The BB....calls. This BB has called me almost every time I raised. She (female pic on avatar) has played back at me very aggressively each time. Two of the times I had AK and missed everything and had a lot of chips so didn't want to get into a gun fight with her. This time though....flop comes J-7-7. She checks. I bet out 8500. She calls. ??? Hmmmm. Wonderful. Turn is an 8. She bets now. 5k. Five k? I have to think she has like KJ. I raise to 15k. She moves all in. Okay...whatever....I've left very little behind...and frankly, I think I'm good. She turns over (oh yeah, after CALLING!) 8-9 offsuit. No shit. What comes on the river? An 8. Yeah. Fishy? Or am I just insane? I was out. Shot P'stars an email...no reply.

I am so sick of online poker I can't stand it. There is one thing about it that especially rankles me. First of all...I think you should be required to have a webcam and make it possible for EVERYONE  to see you if you are playing online. I want to see the faces of these twerps (my assumption) who yammer on about EV, and Variance, and Bad Beats, and M...and all this other crap you know they picked up in the last poker book they mulled over.

Well...I think we all know that I do 'fairly well' in live tournaments. Do I win them all? No. Do I cash them all? Nope. But my cash percentage is about 22% over the last two years...which I would think is above average. Not positive, but I think so. So...that said, I think we also know that I run historically bad online. And you have these little assholes that like to derive all their info from Sharkscope (primarily it seems) and other stat sites to use against you. So when I am in a hand and talking about it I invariably run into that little dork who likes to fire back with..."well according to Sharkscope, your a losing player! Your ROI is [take your pick, it seems to vary with every conversation] and your profit is only [again, same deal] for two years. It says you have won [some number they find] but you have lost it all back! Oh my God, who loses THAT MUCH in two years! You must really suck!"

Yes....yes, young boy who is still in high school and thinks he has poker all figured out, who can't buy a date with a girl and can't seem to get invited to a party, and who can't even walk into a casino yet...you nailed it. I am the worst player ever. I've no idea how someone who has won $130,000 total in two years could possible have burned through that...especially when they are playing 30-50 hours a week, and multi-tabling 5 to 10 tables at a time with an average buy in of $12. Yeah...no clue. Pfffft!

When you literally TELL THEM you run bad online...but have some good results in live....they don't ask..."Oh, tell me your name, so I can look THAT up...." No instead, they just cling to the SHARKSCOPE STATS SHARKSCOPE STATS!!!!!! YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK!!!!! But every once in awhile, a player WILL actually look it up. Cardplayer.com....."Players"...enter Will Souther...BOOM. There ya go. And you know what THEY say? One of two things. (a) Yeah...right! That isnt YOU! (b) So if you are such a bigshot, why are you playing in this $12 SNG!??

Okay. First of all...yes, it would be much easier to just ignore these pieces of fouled DNA...but for some reason I can't bring myself to do that. Which makes me....to an extent...just as much of a loser as them. To the first point....well, I think if anyone thinks I am trying to emulate Will Souther...then, well HEY! I must actually be something worth emulating. Nice! I've arrived!!!

 However, if I WAS going to try and REPRESENT like I was someone I wasn't, I don't think I would choose ME! Also...next to my name...in the profile, is my P'stars username...ThePokrMnky. So when they come back and tell me I am full of shit, and that its not me...I howl. Dude...look at my username. Right here. In this game. Are you retarded? Yeah...not only am I pretending to be this guy Will Souther, I have stolen his password and logged onto his Pokerstars account and am now playing under his account. Idiots.

Then..to the second point. Why do so many players think that because you have cashed some 5-figure scores (6-figure scores coming in 2010!) that you are suddenly no longer permitted to sit down at your laptop and play in ANYTHING under a $100 buy in? Uh...lets see...it would really take me like an hour to give this clown a legitimate response that he would understand. But I know very well that he would (a) not listen and (b) not listen. He would be so wrapped up in his frenzied insistence that you were TOTALLY MAKING IT UP!!!!! Sighhhhhh.

I hate these people. I play small limits online because I DO NOT TRUST online poker. Whats makes you more crazy....putting in $11 with a chance to win $5k to 10K...and losing with AA to a guy with 3-7 making 'a move' with 5 til the money? Or buying in for $215...getting about 5 hours in...and getting KK cracked for half your stack by 44...then QQ cracked by Q10...and finally AK losing to A2 to bust? You take the beats in the smaller buy in MTTS and for some reason its easier to just 'let go' right? But you take a handful of those in $100, $200 buy ins....you are ready to kill someone...and oh yeah...running outa money. I see the value in small stakes buy ins...and yeah, its a grind and a bitch to do...but if you should happen to do the unimaginable and fade all of the horrendo-zoids and dodge all of Pokerstars' pitfalls and mudholes along the way and actually win one...well, watch where your ROI% goes then! I was in a $3 rebuy last night...for $6. Total, and screwed up and missed my add-on at the break. First place was 9k. I cashed. Not real deep. But just think of what might have been. How do you NOT play that?

I feel like me and most of the players who I corroborate with all pretty much feel about the same about online poker. Then there are those who just think I'm completely stupid. I don't really care about those guys anymore.

You can lump those guys in with the guys who think it's stupid that I bring 'all of my trinkets and toys' with me to the Final Table. Making the Final Table is the result of a long journey...the culmination of peaks and valleys...suckouts and badbeats...long periods of being card dead...followed by heaters...that have somehow ended with you at the Final Table and a chance to win a bunch of money. For me...its FUN TIME. And to bring out my crystal monkeys and put on my Monkey Beads is the reward for getting there. And if you think that is stupid, and somehow is 'causing me not to win' well then I say to you....GO TO HELL. Ooops, Please. (trying to be more polite in 2010)

SO.....what's up with live poker? Hmmm...how much do I want to share with all of you? How much do I care about the 'HOLE' I might be digging at the Bad Times casino in Biloxi by commenting on the recent 'developments' there? Should I just 'let it go' as some would suggest? Do I ignore it so as not to give them the time of day, to dignify what I deem as their ridiculousless with any kind of reaction? The thing about it...is if I DON'T say something, or somehow defend myself, and my actions...then I think what happens is you get those people out there who ask the question...."where is Monkey? Why isn't he here?" And no matter what is said....there is going to automatically be the assumption that I did or said something to cause me to not be allowed to play in the event at their Bad Times Resort and Casino.

[as I write this Ole Miss and their luckbox 4th quarter have probably just cost me any chance to win my Bowl Pool...nice referees....where did they find these clowns?]

Back to matters at hand. About 3 and a half weeks ago, I shot a text message to both managers at the Bad Times Resort and Casino. I was looking for them to let me know in advance...so that, you know...I could actually make backup plans to play somewhere else if their answer was no. This funny little thing that hotels and especially airlines like to do...where they give you a better price if you don't try to book at the last minute. I guess this only matters to people who actually give half a shit about other people's lives. Can't for one minute imagine WHY I actually believed for one second that I would actually GET a definitive answer from them within any reasonable amount of time.

What was really funny...was the immediate response I got. There exists a very clear 'good cop/bad cop' dog and pony show over there. If it wasn't so funny, it would make me mad. One guy text's me back "If I had to say right now the answer would be no." While the other text's me back..."I can't see why not, but I will have to talk to some other people first."  Really?

So three weeks go by. Sigh. Finally, 4 days ago...I fire off a text to the 'good cop' in this act. "Since the event starts next week, and I have yet to hear back from you guys...I am just really wanting an answer one way or another so I can do SOMETHING this month." That was at 9am. It was at 7pm that I finally got an answer. I assume, after it got batted around the tree all day. "At this time, I'm sorry to inform you, the answer is no."

"I would ask you for a reason, but I know I wouldn't get the truth, so I won't bother. Thanks for the quick reply (sarc.)"

What ensued was a text message volley. Send one, get one, reply, get a reply...back and forth...for about an hour. Until finally I sent my last one, went to the bathroom...ran a hot bath...and sat in there for three hours...reading my last Vince Flynn novel 'Memorial Day.' I reflected on the last hour of text messages, and just how stupid the management over there is handling this, and the damage they are doing to both my reputation and my financial situation. At one point in the messaging, I was given the invitation to come and play at Goldstrike in Tunica in March. Huh?

First of all, you all know I have erased Tunica from my itinerary for LIFE. Secondly, I can't play at your sister casino...for whatever your stupid reasons are...but I CAN play up there? Why? If I can't play here, I shouldn't be able to play there. Different staff? I think so. And I think we all know the deal. Secondly, I get 'sometimes, when dealing with a problem...you have to take steps to repair the relationship.'  HUH?

Again...unreal. The problem? Steps? Relationship? I am a damn pro poker player. I go, I pay my buy in, I play, I win or lose, I tip out, I go home. If I break a rule, you give me a penalty. If I kill someone, you call the police. I will go to jail. I'm not there running for office. I'm not applying for a job. I'm not trying to win a popularity contest.

The problem? As it was presented to me in September? They didn't like me taking players' photos and posting them on my blog. Right? Remember that? Oh, and a certain tourney director didn't appreciate my scrutiny when evaluating his blind structures as well as a few remarks directed towards a handful of his dealers that needed to seriously reflect on how lucky they are to have a job in these tough times...and maybe think about coming to work with a little better attitude towards the players. That was it. THAT was the reason I was BANNED from the Bad Times Resort and Casino's poker room. Not the casino...no, no...I can go in there, play table games...eat in the restaraunts, party in the clubs. I just can't play poker there. Because I have opinions, and state them on this little blog that some people decide to occasionally read.

All that business about Freedom of Speech without persecution and all that which was placed in this thing called the 1st Amendment (1st of 27 in total) to the United States Constitution? Not even a consideration apparantly.

So...taking all of that into account, I decided to go ahead and honor their request...to not take pictures of players...in ANY casinos, not just theirs. I didn't write a word about their casino in the last six months. Not a word. No nasty insinuations. Nothing. And when their poker tourney director decided to post a comment on here...or maybe it was my Facebook...no, I think it was here...I didn't fire back with some smartass remark. In fact, I actually wrote what I thought to be a pretty good response in my next blog. But instead of taking that, and rising above all the previous bullshit...this guy decides instead...to continue his stance on not letting me attend his upcoming tournament. Why? I have no idea. Take steps to repair the relationship? Yeah...I think I have climbed that staircase...and went back down them...and maybe even up them again. The other person, or persons...in this strained relationship? Still just standing there on the landing, tapping his foot. In a word...the whole thing is PATHETIC.

If the Bad Times Resort and Casino thinks that keeping me locked out is good for their tourney business...I have to just chuckle. Yeah, I only play on an average of 25-40 SNG's an event...and nearly every tourney. The juice on that alone is worth having me there. The free advertising they get from me on this blog and my Facebook...which is viewed by....lets just say a LOT of people...is invaluable. It just pisses me off that when people ask "why Monkey isn't allowed here" that I can't be a fly on the wall to hear the various responses. Because the correct answer...is one you will NEVER hear ANY of them say. They will make something up, something that sounds good. Something that half of them will believe. And yes...that pisses me off.

Now...do you want to know what I think? As if my opinion matters? Well, here you go. And this might cause some kind of ensuing shitstorm to occur. If so...so be it. This information I am going to share with you is obtained through being married to a woman who is employed at the same casino in question. This particular company is publicly traded. Their stock price is in bad shape, and has been, for over two years now. Which, ironically enough, is how long this place's structure has been garbage. Oh wait...I didn't mean to say garbage, that sounds critical. We shall call the structures...um...questionable.

Each and every department in that casino has been encouraged (ordered!??) to cut their budget. Which...for every department means something else, right? Well, if you work in poker...where do you cut costs? Not too many places where you CAN cut costs, huh? Pretty much two places...cost on goods, and cost on payroll. So when you have attended an event there the last couple of years...and are no longer able to have a free Red Bull...there is a reason for that. Cost. Someone is trying to save money. So they can keep their job. And when you have structures designed to make tournaments play until 10pm, when they get down to 9...then return and finish the next day? Instead of a good structure...where they play until 2am...and break for the night with 2 tables still remaining? Hmmm..those 4 hours of play...and all the dealers required to deal to them? They cost money. Yeah...sure, you and I might not think it's much...and in reality, it isn't, but to these number-crunchers, it's a huge deal. So forget that ALL the prize money being generated, and ALL the money being made by the casino is ALL being contributed by the players who took part in the tournament. Yeah...I can't seem to find ANY reason why the players would, or should, have any say at ALL in how these tournaments are run. (sarc.) Since, again...its ALL of THEIR money that is making them possible in the first place. Get my point?

So...isn't it pretty obvious to those of you with a brain...that the reason for keeping me out is that I make it harder and harder for these guys to put out a bad product when they know they are going to have to deal with me calling attention to it over and over? So the easiest solution is to just lock me out and hope no one else notices, or causes a stir like they always know I will? And truth be known...they are probably right. Very few of the players I know will ever go out of their way to do anything about making the game better for everyone. They do a little bitching...then pay their buy in....go put in their time...and come back and do it again the next day. I have no respect for these people. If you are going to ever bitch about something...be willing to defend your position. And if not, then don't waste my time bitching to me about it.

So they lock me out. Tell people I'm not allowed in because 'my behaviour doesnt warrant being allowed to participate' or something else that sounds like that...something official sounding...something that makes people stare into their eyes like hypnotized cats...nodding.....ohhhh...I see....yeah.....bad monkey....he's a bad monkey....don't let him play....dont.....let....him....................play.

Hey! WAKE UP! You clowns! Can't you see that they are telling you what they are hoping they can make you believe!?? Use some common sense! If you have any!

You know what I would have liked to have seen? I would have loved to have seen this poker manager come to me...and say this:

"Listen Monkey...look, you have it all figured out. Okay? You are right. Times are tough. They are cutting corners everywhere. I have a wife and kids man. I need this job. If I put a structure out there for you like they did at Harrah's New Orleans...and a whole bunch of good players make every Final table...and all the players are happy...well, that will be great for you guys...but man, I'm gonna be honest, I will probably lose my job before too long. Because for me to have dealers working that many downs will kill my budget. Not many players were smart enough to figure this out like you did. I give you credit for that. But can you see my point? My position? Can you just maybe try to help me out, work with me a little? Instead of just slamming me? I will try to make it up in other ways if possible. I'm telling you this man-to-man so you will just back off a little. I know you really like to rally to the cause of your fellow poker players and that is why you are the way you are, right? Just try to understand, I'm trying to support a family, to make my bosses happy. Can you work with me?"

Now...the day I hear those words come out of his mouth...like they SHOULD...I WOULD actually try to help him out. But I think we know that day will never come. Why? Ego? Pride? Stubborness? I have no idea what the REAL answer is. But what goes around comes around. I think if you bring in 600-800 players for a tournament, as opposed to 300-500 (which I am predicting for this upcoming event-if I'm wrong so be it) you more than make up for the extra money paid out for dealer downs...while creating a positive impression of both your tourney and your casino. But keep on putting out bad structures (BTW, I have LOOKED at the structure for this upcoming event...they have added ONE level, the 100/200 with a 25 ante that I lobbied like hell for over the last three events...and that is the ONLY level they added. It is still...ahem, questionable) like you've been doing, while all your competitors are listening to the players and giving them the structures they want...and you will see a rapid decline in your attendance, until finally they just won't come anymore. Then you won't have to worry about cutting your costs. You will have nothing left to cut from. For a good exacmple of this...look no further than Ceaser's Palace in Las Vegas and their failed attempt to run a Mega Stacks to compete with their own property (Rio-WSOP events) and Venetian (Deepstacks) the last two summers.

Players are starting to finally 'get it' and will NOT continue to support a bad product. And at the risk of hurting my ability to play in certain venues, I will continue to bang the drum for my fellow players. This is my chosen career path. I want to see to it that we players have a voice in the decisions that are made in this game.

So go ahead, Bad Times Casino, lock me out of another event. While this is going on, I will be in town. I didn't win a PCA trip for the 7th year in a row on Pokerstars. Had a nice conversation with Jim Sterling at the I.P. the other night. Turns out, they will be running a 6pm $200 buy in tourney EVERY night that the event is going on down the street. I made him a little proposal, which I have yet to hear back on. I offered myself up as a sacrificial lamb. Sort of a nightly Bust The Monkey tourney. I get moved from one table to the next at the end of every blind level. If you bust me, you win $200, or your buy in back. This is kind of a crazy offer by me...as it would make it nearly impossible for me to win. But boy, it sure would be fun! I asked them that in return for this...they put up my buy in. That if I made the money I would refund their stake. Seems pretty fair, no? I think there are a lot of you out there who would love the chance to come over and try to CRUSH the MONKEY....isnt there?

Regardless, I am looking forward to it. They are adding in money. They are going to have a good structure. And they are bringing in good staff people. I would love to see a shitload of players make that 1 mile drive to come over and play with me. If Jim and his guys decide not to do a BUST MONKEY BOUNTY promo, thats cool. Hell, I might just put a $100 bounty on myself whenever I sit down. I think you guys can see...I am not going to let this REBUFF by the Bad Times Resort and Casino get me down.

On January 23rd, I am going with Squirrel to Seattle, where my brother and his family are coming from SF...my sister and her family are coming from Wisconsin...and we are visiting my mother and taking a family photo. I will also go visit my Father in Aberdeen and my Grandmother in Wenatchee...who just turned 96. We return on Jan 31st. Which is kind of a bummer on the timing, because I would have really loved to go play the Borgata Winter Open, which is going to be HUGE! But I made a promise that I would take this trip. So I am. As soon as I get home though...its off to Vegas for the Venetian event...which lasts for three weeks. While that is going on...LAPC is happening. So I might venture over to LA for a few events. Once that all ends, I have to decide whether to go to Reno...to play the World Poker Open...or whatever they are calling that event at the Grand Sierra...or go to Hammond, Indiana...which is pretty much Chicago...and play that event that Steve Frezer is running. The Reno event runs for 2 and a half weeks and has a lot of Omaha H/L events...which is currently my favorite game. Lots of low buy ins too. The only trouble is there is a question of what kind of fields they will attract. Small fields suck. I do have a history of running good in Reno though. I haven't been up there in a couple of years. ON the other hand, Chicago is supposed to draw really well. It only runs about 8 days. And the hotels are a lot harder to find at good prices. $45 in Reno compared with $85 in Chicago. And I would need a car in Chicago and NOT in Reno, so that is a consideration of course, too. I do need to get it figured out though. Then in April, I guess after getting turned away by the Bad Times Casino again, I will go play the WSOP ST LOUIS event, which looks impressive, and I've never been there...and have met some very cool fellow players from that area...then come back for the April event at the IP...which I hope will be huge. Then go play another fantastic Harrah's New Orleans event...before taking off for Vegas for the summer. Yep...I am looking forward to a great year!

This blog is getting really long. I know that because it has taken me a whole bowl game to get this far. And I haven't even gotten into my 2010 Rants! Should I save them for later? Or just 'bring em' to ya now???

[turnover-fest going on here in the Liberty Bowl. With all my various ventures like pools and what-not I have no idea if I am rooting for E.Carolina or Arkansas. I think I want ECU and the under! Its 10-3 ECU...under looking good!]


Squirrel is currently taking down all our Christmas decorations. That was about to be my first rant. PEOPLE...It's January 2010! It is now TIME TO TAKE DOWN YOUR CHRISTMAS stuff. Thanks Squirrel.

The garage door that she crushed when she fell through the ceiling of the garage? While getting the Christmas decorations down? Our landlord had it replaced yesterday. And didn't charge us! Wow. That was nice. We will, however be paying for the 2x3 hole she made in the ceiling.

Oh! Speaking of holes! Took  a little trip over to Pensacola the other day, to check on my drama-laden tenant who has been renting my house over there. Who has paid her rent on time ONE TIME. What did I find? Um...well, she has moved out. Yep. Owing me for December, and of course January too...since she does have a 1 year lease. She was nice enough to steal my washer and dryer. Left me a nice hole in the wall the size of a fist. Busted out the screen on my porch door, and didn't bother to clean. What a wonderful surprise that was. So now I am back to getting it in rentable condition and find another, more suitable, tenant.

I will start with ESPN's Bowl coverage. Before every game...we have to watch this Kanye West-wannabe bust out this song that is now driving me to razor blades every time I hear it. "I am the Championnnnn, play like a champion......" *(@!#&*@!  I've researched this person. His name...or 'rapper' name, is B.o.B. He is from Atlanta. His real name...Bobby Ray Simmons. How he got this gig? No clue. I hate him. I hate the song. I am close to hating ESPN.

The other thing about ESPN, and seemingly every other network...that has me throwing things at the TV...is their insistence to put a woman on the sidelines to communicate to us completely useless information. And if I were a coach and was required to give them that stupid little 1-minute pit stop on the way to the locker room at half time to talk to 'Holly' or 'Lisa' or 'Suzy' I would take that opportunity to give them an answer that was about ten times stupider than their question. I mean come on! What is the point? You are taking someone who never played a down of football in their life...and made them responsible to ask a question that is relevant to playing in a football game. I think my favorite of the year came when Notre Dame was trailing at the half...to I don't know who...but they should have been losing by 30 or more...instead of the 10 they were down.

Ditzy reporter: "Coach how does it feel going into the half trailing by 10 after all the mistakes your offense has made so far today?"

Charlie Weiss:  "I'll be honest...we've made a lot of mistakes, but our defense has played pretty good today, and I think to go in down 10 right now we have to be feeling pretty good about ourselves, and about our chances to come out strong in the 2nd half and make a game of it."

Dipshit reporter: "Coach, I'm confused...how can you feel good about being down by 10 points?"

Wow. I don't remember what his response was, or if he even bothered...but I decided that was the day I was going to start muting every halftime ditz interview...and yes, I had to go ahead and boycott the super-sexy Erin Andrews too...because if I didn't I would just be a hypocrite.

A few more things I'm sick of in football, mostly college. At the start of the 4th quarter? The players holding up 4 fingers? Okay...that was kind of neat 5 years ago when it got started. Guess what? It's over. It's played out. It's not neat, it's not cool, it's just stupid. Quit doing it already.

The music chant songs. Ugh! Kill me. They don't have names, just sounds. The worst? Whoaaaaaaaaaaa,oh oh oh ohhhhhh ohhhhhh, whoaaaaaaaaa oh oh oh ohhhhhhh ohhhhhhh! Know the one? What's the purpose? Why do they do it? It's completely retarded. It's bad enough listening to the FSU morons with their chant...but at least they can give you a reason for it. Even though its mostly BS. NO MORE SONG CHANTS.

Here is one that I am REALLY sick of. Because it's just a reflection of how stupid our society is.  The Play is Under Further Review.  What's that you say? Its under FURTHER review? Was it already reviewed once before? Oh wait...no it wasn't because it JUST occurred. Right? So, in that case...the play....IS UNDER REVIEW. Just under review. Not under FURTHER review. Idiots!

[good lord, now these teams are scoring like there is no defense on the field...from 10-0 at the half to 17-17 in the 3rd quarter. Slow it down boys, slow it down!]

The Saints have lost two in a row. People are panicking. The wheels on the bandwagon are getting a little unstable. I love it. One thing I love are people who are super-over-confident. Who think their team in invinceable. I happen to think these two losses are good for them. Who wants to go into the postseason 16-0 with the whole world giving you their greatest effort? Makes it hard. I'd rather go in on a losing streak with everyone ignoring your chances. Kind of like they did with Arizona last year. The Cards should have been Super Bowl Champs. And people would have been talking about Kurt Warner as one of the NFL's greatest big game QB's ever. But instead the Steelers luckboxed their way to the win. I think the Saints have as good a chance as anyone of going to South Florida in February.

There is one guy I would love to duct tape to a pole and hit with a sock full of nickels though, if I was a season ticket holder for the Indianapolis Colts. Jim Caldwell, first year coach. You are 14-0. You stadium is FULL of fans who have paid a lot of money to see their team shoot for a perfect season. That has to be why they are there right, since they have already clinched the best record in the league and home field advantage? So they have shown up right? But would the team? Oh...sure. For 3 quarters they did. Led 15-10. And then, Caldwell yanks all his top starters. And the Colts shit the bed. Completely. Bring in a guy named Lance Painter, who kills them. Manning is seen begging to go back in. He is rebuffed. His face turns sour. The fans are booing. I'm not even a Colts fan, and I am furious. The Colts lose. Now, 14-1. And in the postgame interviews, the Colts owners and coaches try to justify it. I'm sorry, you cannot justify it. It was a chicken shit move. Total horseshit. One of the dumbest things I have ever seen in my life of watching sports. You already have a Super Bowl title. You have a shot at HISTORY. No one ever remembers the records of a team if they win the Super Bowl...unless they go UNBEATEN. You go 19-0....no one ever forgets you. 18-1? Okay, whatever. You won the Super Bowl. Yay! To a real fan...they will NEVER, EVER be able to justify that move. Because it was RIDICULOUS!

[oh boy we just got us another useless, unimformative report from our clueless sideline reporter...telling us that Arkansas won't be able to win if they arent able to stop ECU's offense! Really? Thats how you win? Don't allow the other team to score? Wow! Thanks...I think I will take up the sport of football!]

Nice road crew working for the State of Alabama. Driving home on Christmas Day...I see a dead dog on the left side of the highway...directly across from a rest area on I-10. 6 days later...when coming home from Pensacola, I see the same exact dog, still there. The cold weather seems to be preserving the dog fairly well. How does that dog stay there for SIX days?

Gas station assholes. You know there are two things that make me nuts. When you pull into one of those stations that have like 6 rows of pumps...with two pumping stations on each side....right? Cars are everywhere. And a side opens up. But the car in front of you...instead of pulling all the way up to the first pump...instead pulls up just to the 2nd one...and stops there, leaving the 1st one unusused, but impossible for you to get to. Are you serious!?? Hey! Assmunch...pull up will ya? And they just look at you...like you have 3 eyes. Or killed their dog. Um...dude? Really....can you move up!?? Nope? Wow.

Then there is the asshole, who in that same scenario...is the last person on Earth who pays for their gas with cash...instead of sliding their debit or credit card like everyone else. And after pumping...or hell even before...they take that long stroll into the store to pay for it. The worst is when they have already pumped it though....and already paid for it....but now they decide to go BACK into the store to buy something else...and LEAVE their fucking car there....while you are just sitting there...waiting for them to move their piece of shit car so you can get gas!!!! That guy needs a punch right in the nose!

Had a fun little incident at the tanning salon the other day. Check that. The gym! Planet Fitness on Pass Road and Popp's Ferry to be exact. They happen to have tanning there. I go there the other day just to tan. Hear the girl next to me arguing with the blonde-headed idiot behind the desk about something. Not really paying attention. Then I ask to tan, fill out my name on the sign in sheet/waiver. She asks me if I have my goggles? Huh? My what? For two months, I've been going there and never been asked for goggles. Then I notice, on the counter...a little display set up...with goggles, for sale, for $3.10. Ahhhh I get it. They call this a mandatory sale item in marketing lingo. I call it a racket. See the owner of the gym and the owner of this stupid goggles manufacturer have hatched a deal to make people buy goggles. Well, this is the kind of shit that makes me crazy. So I go off on her. Telling her that by signing the waiver, we are accepting the risk that comes from laying in a tanning bed. She tries to go with...."It's a law."

Um...yeahhhhh...thats not gonna fly blondie. See...there is a near impossibility that any congressman ever walked a bill into the State Legislature demanding that all patrons of tanning salons be required by law to protect their eyes with goggles! No...but good luck...because most people will actually fall for that one! Most people aren't very smart. So then she moves on to this douzy! Well, I'm just a peon and do what my boss tells me to do. Oh I see, your a peon. How nice. A peon who spouts false information? So this other girl says..."Come on...who's gonna know if I just go in there and tan without goggles...just let me go, please?"

You'll love this reply! "I can't. My owner sits at home and watches on surveillance to make sure everyone is using goggles in their bed!"

No way! This is too good! I literally look at her and ask her if her owner is there. "No, I don't even know who the owner is." Really? Wow, you don't know MUCH of anything do you? How about a manager? "She's off today!" Well, I am assuming there is someone here with some level of responsibility above yours, isnt there? "Let me try and call the manager." Which she does...and starts trying to explain the problem....at length, "Wouldnt you think just handing me the phone and talking to her would be a lot easier?" So she does. The manager ends up being a complete bitch.

My opening statement...

"Hi, I think for you to have someone at your front desk who refers to herself as a PEON that doesnt know anything  might not be how you want to represent yourself as a professional establishment."

To which she responds by yelling at me "Hey! how dare you call my employee a PEON!!!"

Um....no, you missed what I said...she is referring to HERSELF as a peon. Claiming not to KNOW anything!  She is trying to convince people its a LAW to have to wear goggles, which its clearly NOT. And she has volunteered to us that your owner is sitting at home violating the 'peeping tom' laws by gazing down upon unsuspecting customers as they go into their rooms to tan....under the guise of 'making sure they are wearing goggles.' Yeah...you are like 24 hours away from being out of business lady!

Does she attempt to appease me in any way? Naw...instead she offers to cancel my membership without a cancellatoin fee. Oh! Hey awesome, thanks! You are obviously a very fine manager. I'm guessing she was freaking out because I had figured out their little scam that they were running with GOGGLE-GATE!!!! Well, I just left. I went across the street and bought some goggles for $1 at the other tanning place and went back a few days later to tan.

When will this FreeCreditReport.com dork who sings this stupid song in these commercials finally get hit by a city bus and be out of our lives forever?

Anyone seen the SkinIT.com commercials? There are two of them. One features an absolutely stunning blonde girl...just hot. Like...Heidi Klum 15 years ago hot. And then the other...is like a total 180. Skinny, annoying, Eminem-looking dude doing some computer-generated super-annoying rap about why you might want to buy a skin from SkinIt.com. Never have I hated and loved a product endorsement so much at the same time.

The room is now full of those rubbermaid containers, all containing Christmas decorations. I think I see a trip to the attic coming for Mr. Monkey. One that will NOT result in a busted up garage door.

I think thats about it. We will NOT, obviously be going to the BCS title game. But Squirrel's brother, Uncle and Cousin are all going to be there. Lucky boys. Should be a great game. We will probably just have a bunch of people over to watch the game. If they win I will probably need to sleep in the guest room for a couple of days cuz Squirrel might be untolerable. Go Bama.

MONKEY