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Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Get Ready to Laugh...I'm ready to vent!

Okay...we are not off to a very good start. I tried something new today. I tried to upload a video clip, one I took last night with my cell phone. I know it can be done. I've seen video clips on Bill's blog. But when I just tried to do failed. Dammit. What was the video? Well, it was a glimpse inside the eyes of Monkey when returning to IP after another heartbreaking defeat just shy of the money.

It was called "Elvis and the Spaz."  Of the impersonators that deal blackjack and then get up on stage and perform...the Elvis is the best...because he actually sings.... not lip-syncs...and looks like Elvis. Well last night there was the goofiest guy I've ever seen standing out in the aisle..holding a was a PROP...not an actual mic...and he was singing along with fake Elvis and dancing like a meth-head on Xanax. Picture that. If I can figure it out...I will get it on here later. It's classic.


When I last left off I was at Table 29, seat 2 racking up quite a motherlode of chips in the noon tourney at Golden Nugget on Saturday. I had reached the point of 'inconsolable indifference' and had begun to go into stark detail on every player at my table...I had gotten as far as Seat 6...yes, I was live blogging on my cell phone...when all of a sudden I hit the wrong button and lost all that I had been writing for an hour and a half. In the midst of that I got into a 'tiff' with the guy in the 3-seat...who I had taken to calling "The Carp"...well, in my mind. I hadn't called him that out loud. Why you ask? Well...because he had the strangest profile, he, well...looked like a carp. That, for those who don't a fish. In fact the Asian Carp is currently endangering Lake it is a good fish to form a natural hatred for these days. And that is pretty much what I was forming for this goofball.

It all started with his outfit...which can be unfair sometimes...but sometimes, people just can't be let off the hook. And this guy was one of those examples. Head to toe: One of those 'gansta' style lids (ball cap) with the straight bill...and Texas Longhorns to boot (losers! Roll Tide!) tilted to the side. An Affliction shirt that was too small for his 25-40 lb overweight body. Then these cute white bermuda shorts that were too small and showing everything in his pockets. But the best was his white patent (fake) leather tuxedo shoes...without, of course, socks to finish up the ensemble. And he was that guy who anytime someone had the audacity to win a hand off of him...he would end it with "nice bluff!" Because no one could EVER possibly have had a better hand than HIM! Just when I was about to nominate him for biggest douchebag of the year...there was a late attempt on his part to 'make peace' with Monsieur I won't bury him. I know he is probably going to look on here to see what I wrote...and that's fine. Just so you know dude...on the board with the 4-4-5-whatever-whatever...I had KK. The other time...yes, I completely bluffed the shit out of you. With 10-high. Have a nice day.
Holy shit, I am cooking...have to go cool off in the pool. Be right back.


Okay that was a nice little 1-hour session with my book and the water...and a virgin pina collada. Did I look like a homo? Probably. Who cares. I have to leave here shortly. I will probably just bring this lappie with me and finish this.,..because frankly, I have a lot to say. I also have a lot of photos to post. My sole mission today is to make you folks laugh.

Lets start with this topic. Pants on the ground. Yes...Captain Larry or whatever the hell his name was on American Idol brought this to the forefront this season with his snappy tune. But its something that I and most of  'Sane America' has been harping on for years now.

Yeah...while taking a break on a recent poker tournament...I observed this clown...with, you got it...his pants on the ground. I am pretty sure this guy is from somewhere in Europe. Somewhere along the way, he got the bright idea that this 'look' is considered 'cool' in our country. I cringe to think that this has somehow caught on in his native country. And if it has? Well, then our planet is doomed. That's all I can think. Our urban friends started this ridiculousness about 4 or 5 years ago...and for some reason it still persists. No idea why. I've never met a girl, white or black who finds this 'look' sexy. To see a white, European dude rockin this look...really kind of put me on life tilt for the good part of a half a day. I feel compelled to lead a march on Washington or something to put this 'Pants on the Ground' look in the ground for good. Bury it. Kill it. Erase it from the social and fashion landscape forever. It's not cool. You just look like a fucking moron. And it's making members of your family NOT want to invite you over for holidays anymore. Recognize....biotch!
Okay...I've got to get to play their Mega into their Main Event that starts there tomorrow...its a $1080 Main...with 30,000 starting chips and 1hr blind levels. NICE! Nugget's Main is Saturday I think. I will go ahead and post this and add to it when I get up there.
Okay I'm back. Tableside now...just busted out of the 2pm Mega. Started bad...had to fold KK and 1010 early. Then made it some short with an attempted QJ steal...ran into JJ and AQ. Ouch. Then moved in with KQc and ran into Charles "Woody" Moore's AA. Ouch. Woody is a really cool guy though, been playing against him for years. I didn't crack his aces....and so now I am lined up here about to start the 5pm Mega.
Okay...just won the first hand. And Woody's wife just did the 'ol "what happens if your on your computer when your in a hand...???"  What happens? Um...well, nothing I reckon, unless someone tries to make a major big deal about it. Not like I'm playing poker online or chatting with anyone. Right? Sigh. Oh...well she just got knocked out on the 4th hand of the satellite. Whoops.
Ready for some funny pictures?

This lovely gal was caught zipping around outside of O'Sheas one night not too long ago. I started out just wanting to snap her picture because of her zany outfit. Then I started chatting with her, and she became interesting. But then, alas, the more we chatted, the more evident it became that she was totally NUTS! God Love her!!!!
Ya'all remember a couple weeks ago when I told you about Kai being here? How we had one super hot older gal at his cash table and then one really obvious trannie? And I couldn't find the picture? Well guess what? Monkey is your hero today! I found it. And here it is!!!!
While I have been here I have witnessed some pretty crazy hair-dos. Why? Well, in large part I would have to say its kind of because (a) I am staying at the IP and (b) I have been spending a lot of time in Old Vegas...or Downtown, as the locals call it. Well, I have seen it all. Mohawks seem to still be in fashion. And then...just when you thought the mullet was it comes.....and here it IS! And yes, that is a WOMAN! Dig it!
We all know that guy who wears Ed Hardy right? Usually is also sporting shades that are way too dark...and has to take them off to see the board? Know that guy? Well, in that same tourney the other day where I had "The Carp" and a lady I started (in my head of course) calling "Grandma Skeletor" I had another guy at our table who earned the nickname "Hollywood Hardy" because, yes, he was totally decked out from hat to jeans in Ed Hardy shit. And of course, the glasses. Lets show ya this clown...and then tell you the story of a hand that would make any poker player who is worth half a shit want to get up out of your chair, walk over to his chair...and carrying a bucket of slime or snot, or three day old jello that had been sitting out in the hot sun, or maybe some donkey dung...and just dropped it over his head.

So, okay...we are at 600/1200 and this twit limps in from early position. Fair enough. Maybe he's limping with a big hand. So when I see 99 on the button, and I'm sitting on 15,500 and he has only 5600...I don't see any other way to play it then to commit him to his stack with a raise. So of course I do 3500. It folds around to him...and here we go with the slow rollin, Hollywoodin bullshit. I'm not even sure if this clown was clever enough to realize that no MATTER what he did here I would never fold. In fact, he could have SHOWN me two aces, and I'd have been forced to call the other 2300.! He sits there, with those stupid glasses on...staring at me...fondling...then making love to his chips. Asks me how many chips I have. Are you kidding me? Then I say it:

"Dude! Are you kidding us? This is a $150 tourney bro! There are no TV cameras. There are no railbirds. We are not playing for a trophy, a ring or a bracelet. And if you check the pot, and check my raise...and check your own damn will notice that I can't fold ANY TWO CARDS TO YOU! Now if you limped in with AA just save us the fucking act and make your move! Jeezuz!"

So after that...he finally goes all in. I call. He has AA. I have 99. Aces hold .

"Congratulations sir, you win."

What a jackass.


I found that mystery photo that I never thought I had from that win at Aria last Friday. I also have another couple of fun pictures from Aria...but inbedding these pictures once I have gotten all the way down the page is becoming a real pain in the ass. It drops the photo in at the top of the page and I have to drag the damn thing all the way down. So I think I will do my next post...where I put in ALL the pictures first, then write the text around the pictures. Sounds a whole lot smarter huh?

Wow, okay so then as soon as I say all that, BOOM this one slides in right where it's supposed to go. Hell, I don't get it. But whatever, right?



Well, things didn't quite work out at Golden Nugget on Saturday. After being up to 25k, I kind of blew up. Kind of? No, I totally blew up. In one of my most ridiculous performances of the season (yes, I am not speaking like Poker is an athletic career!) I made a complete idiot play. On the, or IN THE...only way I can legitimize my play, we started with 253 players in this rinky-dink $125 hold em tourney that I was playing in...and at the 600-1200 level still had 99 players. It was going to quickly become a shovefest, and  I had kind of dedictated myself to getting to 30 or 40 BB's and having my way with that field of novices. Granted, the only reason I was even playing in this shitstorm was due to the early flameout in the $235 PLO H/L tourney...when, after raising with AdKh2d3h...and flopping Kd4d5h...and getting all of the money in the middle because the other player had "I wanna pot it" -itis and him holding A-6-K-J...he hits nohting but a low comes, no flush comes...and son of a bitch, he took me out with two pair. Nice hand sir. Well played. He would fail to make the money. I would see him later in the nightly at Binions. yeah, meanwhile, back to my ridonkulous play that got me springboarded from that $125 jokefest. A guy who liked to raise utg a LOT...and always raised light...did it again...for 3000. (at 600-1200) The button flat called. And in the BB I look down at 99. So instead of just completing and seeing a flop and getting away when some face cards showed up...I the ridiculous amount of 12k. Leaving...yeah, 13k behind. Brilliant move eh? Especially when the first guy moves all in. Oh...great. Well, kind of hard to fold now huh? Without looking totally retarded instead of just partially retarded. So...hoping he has AK, I make the awful call and discover his KK. Hmmm..nice hand sir. Then the dealer delivers a King on the flop...and that was all she wrote. Far out. Bye bye Monkey.

Off to Binions for the 7pm. We had an Asian guy at the table...who whenever he had money in the pot...and hit either a pair or a draw of some kind after the flop, would just shove all in. It was pretty effective for awhile. I eventually caught him. He shoved a huge stack on me with A10 and I looked down at 1010. My tens held.

Before all that though, there was a hand that inspired a later 'Spite Call' from me. The blinds were 200/400 and I had literally NOT PLAYED A HAND yet. I was in the BB. 4 players limped in. I wake up with AKh. I raise to 2400. With 1600 in the pot. Everyone folded except this guy at cutoff, who 'goes ahead and goes all in' for 3500. Holding A10 offsuit. Mmmhmmm. Nothing on the flop. Turn gives me a flush draw and reduces him to 2 outs. River? 10 of clubs. Um...I was a little irritated, but said nothing.

So two hands later...when the crazy asian guy ships it with an open ended straight, and gets a semi-loose call by a kid who had middle pair and was currently good...but lost on the river...this same guy, after the Asian left the table to hit the bathroom, utters this gem:

"gosh I can't believe that guy went all in with just an open-ended straight draw....thats kind of crazy!"

Which cued me to say:

"This from a guy who had the minimum invested, then called off his whole tourney with A10 offsuit, against a player who had yet to play a single hand? Yeah, man, I'm sure you have a lot of reason to question his play!"

Which then set up the future spite call.

And here is how it went down. You all know how often I get sucked out on right? In bad as this summer is going, I almost feel like it may be necessary for me to start to take pictures of my beats...because I'm sure it starts to smack of 'bullshit' after awhile, unless you were physically there to witness it. But when you have a might not be such a bad idea to carry around proof that some of the absurdity you've been claiming is legit.

Well, on this night, the suckee would become the sucker! Sucker-outer that is!

At 200-400 I limp in with KdJd. The SB raises it to 1700. The BB...Mr. A-10 himself...goes all in. I look at my stack and count out 5400. Not very impressive. Then I know what? He deserves a bad beat. The other guy I don't really care about, plus he has less than I do. Screw it. I call! The other calls as well.

They turn over AK (the first raiser) and KK (the Spite Call recipient)...and I start laughing and gathering up my stuff. A jack hits the flop...

Oh by the way, I did announce 'Spite Call' when I made the call...and the whole east end of the table understood.

I am not the type to suck I continued packing up my stuff...when BOOM! A jack hit the river. Sweeeeeet! Unloaded the Monkey...sat down, and started stacking. And listening to A-10 boy start his whining. Boo-hoo...cry me a river bitch!

      NICE EH????

That was my first huge suckout of the night. The other came after I lost a huge race against the crazy asian. He moved all in with AK...I called him with JJ...he turned a KING. Sucked. Took me down to 4 BB's...and on the last hand before the break...and me not wanting to return with my current shit stack...I moved all in with Q5. I got called by one guy, and another guy re-raised all in....with, what else? AA! First guy folded. I would flop a Queen...and then rivered a 5...which the guy didn't even see. Thanks! Nice triple up Monkey!


I have to tell you about this dealer at Binions. His name...or well, nickname I guess, is 'Frenchy.' He literally looks like a dude who just climbed off a Harley and moved into the box to deal. At first I was kind of like...."wow, really?" But I continued to watch and observe, I started to really enjoy this guy. I mean...I am attaching a picture to make you see what I'm talking about...but there is no way this guy gets hired to work at any of the corporatee (just made that a word) casinos...because they would likely deem him to ....mmmm....word here? Not 'professional' enough looking would be what they would tell him probably. But this guy was actually really, really cool. Very likeable. Great personality. And was an outstanding dealer. He was cutting up a lot with the players. I could see a lot of me in his style. And also see how he could be misinterpreted by others and percieved as being a certain way when in actuality he isnt. We got to talking a bit...his favorite hand is J10. As is my wife's. Squirrel. So then he starts pulling out these gold squirrels to show me! Wow! Too funny. Or ironic.

This is 'Frenchy'...the guy has muscles like Ed Hoculy...has to work out 4 or 5 times a week. Tattoos all over both arms. And then he is all blinged out in mostly gold jewelry with a lot of diamonds on his watch and rings. You definitely know you are 'Downtown' when Frenchy is dealing to you.

   Here are Frenchie's Squirrels. Pretty cool. Gold and coated with crystals or maybe fake diamonds. Not sure...but they were sure cute. After showing me these...he then pulls like a 5lb gold lion from his fanny pack. Hilarious! The table was like..."damn, what else you got in there, dealer!!!???"

Okay Im gonna take a pause here as the battery is getting low and we are now down to 3 tables in this Mega....I will wrap up the nightly story after this.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Good job Monkey....very funny stuff.
I do enjoy your thoughts even though you can be a douche
Good Luck in the Binion's ME.