Here is Your Monkey Vegas Update....

[ a little FYI...and/or response to the people whose comments I failed to address. I was told by Keith "the Angle" Ezykowich that the Ceaser's mega stacks tourney was cancelled this year. I wasn't piling on or trying to be ugly in reporting that. Just passing along what I thought to be reliable information. The info was wrong. The event is still taking place. No idea about attendance or anything else regarding the event. Just wanted to give that retraction. ]


I left Biloxi on Wednesday at 9:22pm. I arrived in Las Vegas at 5:20am Friday morning. I never stopped to sleep. I stopped for gas 6 times. My engine did not blow up. I did not recieve any speeding tickets. I watched 12 movies. Nearly all of them sucked. I played online poker most of the drive. Except in West Texas...where not only do you never see a living soul, other than fellow motorists, but your chances of getting a phone signal are nearly non-existent. I did run over a live armadillo. During my drive I picked up a couple of 2nd place finishes in $12/180 tourneys on stars...and won a $13/90 one. I won a couple $12/45 sngs...and when the trip was over I was about +900 for the drive. Pretty decent.

I woke up after sleeping only 3 hours. I guess I was just excited to get the trip started.  I had gotten settled into my room at the IP...which, don't laugh...for what I am paying for it, I was shocked at how nice it is. We are on the 17th floor, overlooking the pool...its very spacious, and they brought me a refridgerator, which I have stocked up with beverages. Over a 48-day period, I am only paying $23 a day. Can't beat that.

I got over to Venetian and bought in along with another 652 players. I said my hello's to everyone I know and/or recognize. They added a couple levels in the middle rounds, and they made a difference. I got to the dinner break with a little below the average. Went with some fellas to Grand Lux and had a good, quick meal. Then went back and picked up a nice double up. Things were looking up! Then my table breaks, I get moved to a table with a guy who thought he was P-diddy. And he was a "Louie" which didnt make things any better. At first we were getting along pretty well. Then he turned into SUPER DICK. The more chips he won, the more he began to spread eagle all over the 6-seat. I was now being pushed into the 4-seat's front yard. I know my new medication is working because all day I wasn't letting the little chippy things freak me out like I usually do.  But this guy was working my last nerve. Finally I couldnt stand it. I asked him to please move over. He looked at me like you'd look at someone who just asked you to suck their toes.

So my next move was to ask the dealer to have him move. Dealer asked. He refused. Oh boy. Here we go. First day here and now we have an issue. I was really hoping to avoid this. The last time I was here I was issued a warning before I ever played a hand:

"Monkey, Kathy says that if anything happens and you're involved, you might be getting the hook."

Huh? Nice welcome, eh? So of course, I inquired as to how I should handle any potential issue with a fellow player.

"Simply come and get a floor person."

So...this is what I have done over the course of the last two events here. If I have a problem with a dealer and/or a player...I go find a floor person and do NOT address it at the table. Its worked pretty well so far. So I went and found one of the floor guys. Explained the situation to them. They went over and conferred with the dealer. To make sure this is how it went down. Dealer agreed with my version. So the floor asks this jackass to move. Does he move? Oh...he pretends to. But all he did was move his chair straight up. Never moved over a single inch. What a prick.

So now they station a floor person directly behind us. Meanwhile...I am slowly blinding down to an unacceptable level of chips. Now the guy starts stepping on my feet. I am wearing flip flops.

"Will you please stop stepping on my feet??"

"Yo dawg...you wanna play? You wanna play? You know who you's up against dawg? You wanna go dere wit me?"

"Oh jeezuz christ man can you please stop acting like an 8 year old? I just want to be able to sit here and play poker..what is your problem."

Floor person now steps in, tells us both to cool it. Not to say another word to each other. I'm dumbfounded. What in the hell am I supposed to do?

So when I pick up 55 and have less than 10 BB's, its time to go all in. I do. The jerkoff calls. He has 9's. I flop a 5. He turns a 9. Perfect. Day over. Out in Level 10. 12 hours of play to start off my trip. And then he starts in.

"Bye! Bye buddy! Where'd your chips go? Told ya not to play me man...now look at your stack...its all gone. Time to go! Time to leave."

I literally just sat there, looking at this guy...wondering how he had made it as many years on this planet as he has. I didnt say a single word...until I was getting up, and then I said..."classy man...you're real classy."

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I decide to go play a little cash game. I sit down at a pretty friendly 1/2 table. Pretty nice people. I dont stay long. Buy in for $200...cash out with $320. They were calling for people in a $80 SNG and I felt like playing a SNG. So I took a seat there. Started with a couple good hands. We had a couple of cool guys at the table and we started having some drinks. Then....I have no idea what happened, but this guy in the 10-seat just snaps!

He hasn't said a word the entire SNG and now he just freaks out. And I honestly have no idea what triggered it. But it concluded with him ordering the dealer to make me 'stop talking so much or have me thrown out.' Huh? Dealer calls the floor. Cindy comes over. Dealer doesnt even know what to tell her. The old man is telling her that I am driving him crazy, and that she needs to make me be quiet or throw me out. She looks at me, I'm perplexed. She tells me not to talk to him anymore. I tell her I havent said two words to the guy. Which I hadn't. Never seen the guy before that night. Couldnt have dreamed up anything to say to him...since he'd only played like 2 hands. But here I was again...in the valley of "Oh My God...what is going to fuck up my summer THIS year."

I tell Cindy that to avoid any more chaos...I will put on my Ipod and headphones and 'go away' from that point on. Which I do. Everything is going fine. Then the shit hits the fan. Inadvertantly, of course. I walk over to tip the waitress for some drinks...as she was walking away. As I return to my seat the dealer has dealt me ONE card....and the kid in the 8-seat, who it turns out, is the son of the crazy old guy in the 10-seat....and he is chirping that my hand should be dead. Well, at the Venetian you have until the second card hits the button to either be off your phone or in your seat, which clearly I was. But he is flipping out, demanding that my hand be dead.

"Dude, first of all, its the 2nd card hitting the button here. Second of all, what is the big deal? Why are you so insistent that my hand be killed?"

He persisted, and as an attempt to keep Cindy from our table again and getting her riled up again, and me possibly in some more un-called for trouble, I just told him I would muck my hand voluntarily if it would make him happy. (and shut him the hell up!) So I let the dealer kill my hand.

The lady sitting next to me, who I had met in the cash game...was looking at me and rolling her eyes at what a jerk this kid was being. But I just told her..."its no big deal, with any luck, karma will bite him on the ass."

So what happens? About 5 hands later, the kid takes a bad beat. And is OUT. And I turn to that lady, pull a headphone off my ear, and say to her, in a very low tone..."You know what that was right there?" And she says...."Karma?"  "Yep"

So what happens then? Old man psychopath goes ballistic...again!

"Heyyyy...thats it! Thats it!!! Call the floor!!!! He's doing it again!!!!"

WTF?????????

Dealer calls floor. Here comes Cindy. Old guy starts hollering that I am talking about him. I of course explain that I was talking to the lady next to me, and saying NOTHING related to him. Told her what I said. That is when we learn they are related. So he was mad that I was commenting about his son. Seems to me my comment was pretty okay. And made privately. Nevertheless, I get warned again. I am so ready to be out of this damn SNG. So I finally get it in with Q10h and run into that same old guy with AA. Hahahah....nice hand sir. I lose. OUT. Thank you.

I go talk to Cindy. As we are talking the kid from the 8 seat walks over and literally starts threatening me. Tells me he is parked in Level 5.

"Um, Cindy, pardon me, but does that not sound like a threat? I have said nothing to this guy, nor will I say anything more...but it should be pretty clear here who has the problem."

So she called security, and they came and made the guy clear out. I figured that was the end of it.

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I decided to play one final SNG. A $135. With a $100 last longer with three other guys. And a $20 last longer with the whole table. It was a pretty good table. Good players for the most part. A few fun players. Drank some shots. And I ended up winning. Great way to end the night. I tipped the dealer, and tipped Cindy for having to deal with all the stupid BS earlier. And that was it for the night.

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Saturday I didn't cash anything. Played a little bit at O-Shea's on my way back to the hotel and won a little bit. Its kind of fun there in the summer...as they play almost on the sidewalk...so when/if its not too hot out, you get to sit and watch the parade of humanity walking by while playing poker....against, I might add, some of the worst players you can ever imagine playing against.

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Sunday, my buddy Banger (Steve Anger) who is down from Canada for the week decided to come with me to Orleans, to play their $540 Main Event. We both figured it would be a pretty soft field. We were right. It was. But it was pretty small too. I chipped up a little bit early. Then I got bluffed off of JJ with a guy who re-raised me huge and showed me 77. Ugh. Then I lose a huge pot when I flop top pair with KQh....guy who never folds when he is holding an ace, calls my re-raise against his flop bet...then leads out big on the turn...and I pick up a Royal Flush draw (with the ace of course)...and can't fold. I totally brick the river, and just have a K with an ace out there...and I know he was floating me with an ace like he'd been doing all day. So I folded to his all in on the river. Short now...I raise with 66 shortly after that...get flatted...and on a J-J-4 flop...I check raise this guy all in...and he ends up having KK. Sheeeesh! Ouch. I'm out in Level 6. My buddy Banger would get deep...and ends up going out 11th...and missing the money. Bummer. I went back to my room and played online.

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Monday I took the day off. Spent the day at the pool. Worked on my tan and my peace of mind. Then came to my room, fell asleep until 8pm...and played online till about 1am. Then crashed for good.

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Tuesday, that would be today...was a $1k at Venetian...too much at this juncture of the trip. I decided to go play the $225 daily nooner at The Wynn. 44 players showed up. Of those 44, maybe 16 knew what the hell they were doing. I win a couple of small pots early...lose a couple. Floating around 10k...when I get AhKd and raise to 550 at 100/200...I get SIX callers. Yep, just six. Flop comes Kh-10h-7h. Nice flop. I bet 1050. Fold, fold, fold, fold......guy in SB...who didn't want to call in the first place...SHOVES ALL IN! BB folds. Well, if any of you think I am folding here...you're nuts. I call. He turns over K8 offsuit. No heart. Nice play sir. He misses the 8. I double up. Then I get 10-10 the next hand. Raise, get called. Flop comes K-K-10. Nice. Win another big pot. I get up to 32k and am starting to feel it.

Meanwhile, I am watching some unbelievably bad plays taking place...and its making me very nervous.

Guy limps in for 800 at cutoff. SB raises it to 3500 and leaves 875 behind. The cutoff limper CALLS! The flop comes ace high. SB goes all in. Other guy.....folds. Yeah. No one checks their ID's to see if they are related.

Another guy limps in the SB...BB calls. SB has about 2000 more than BB. Flop comes K-Q-4. First guy checks. Second guy goes all in. He gets called. SB turns over 9-10. BB turns over Q-6. I can't make this up. BB holds.

Same idiot from that hand limps with A3. He pretty much NEVER folded ANY ace...to a raise or otherwise. BB checks with Q10. Flop comes A-5-10. BB checks. This other fool checks. (trapping with Ace Three?) Turn is a 10. BB now bets. Dipshit raises. BB goes all in. Retard calls....with A3. River? An ace.

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Cue the beginning of what I was fearing. I pick up KK under the gun. At 400/800. I raise to 2400. Any ace boy calls. Everyone else folds. Flop comes A-Q-4. I check. He checks. Hmmm...did I luck out this time? He has no ace? Turn is nothing. I bet. He calls. ?????  River is a 3. I check and pay him off when he bets 3k. He turns over A3. Joke.

I get moved to another table when we get to 18 players. Couple hands in...I raise UTG with QQ. Get called by another real bozo. He calls the 3600 raise and leaves 5200 behind. The flop comes AAK. Why wouldnt it? Well, I bet 5200. He snap calls. Turns over A2. You gotta be shittin me. 10 on the turn. Jack on the river. Really? I sucked out? No way! So now I'm feeling like maybe its my day after all. We get down to 16. Then 14. Then I raise with 88 and pick up a pot. I'm now above average.

We had more human rain delays in this thing than I can remember having in any tourney in months. I mean...30 minute levels and we might be seeing 6 hands a level.  It was making me nuts.

Ah hell, I'll just cut to the chase. We had 44 players. It was paying only 5 spots. At 800/1600...utg limps. He is a guy from England who is super aggressive. This twerpy little guy in the 7 seat calls the 1600. Then the guy next to me, who is operating with about 1/3 of a normal person's brain...he's like one of those guys you would play against on a cruise...who won the cruise at the local VFW in a drawing....tanks for about 2 minutes...and calls. Then I look down at AKh. Nice. But I am not screwing around with a raise...or smooth calling. I immediately move all in. Folds around to the limey. He insta-folds. The nerd asks how much I have. Dealer counts out 28k. He tanks. Finally folds. Now to brain dead Dave. He keeps looking at me. 

"Hi, how's it going?"

"I have a feeling I have a better hand than you."

"Really? And you think I am just running a squeeze play?"

"I think its a possibility."

"Well, of course its a possibility. Its always a possibility, right? Nature of the game. Well, if you think you have me beat, then you should probalby call, right?"

He folds. I show AKh. Mainly because I want to plant the seed for the others when I decide to shove later with something worse than that. I rake in a nice pot...and now am back to above 34k.

Dork over there tells me he has QJ suited. "And you were thinking about calling with that?"

"Well, I just wanted to know how many chips you had. If it was less than 15k I might have called."

"Well, then I guess we established two things there, then...didn't we? We now know how many chips I have...and we now know what kind of range you have. That and we all just lost 5 minutes of our lives that we will never get back again."

We get down to 11. English guy raises to 4500. Dopey on my right tanks yet again....and finally calls. And now I look down at KK. I know I have the best hand here. And I don't mind getting action. I  have no need to go all in here. But I am sure gonna raise. I make it 15,700 to go. It folds around to the limey, who insta-folds again. That guy was just opening about every other hand...and would fold to any raise almost every time. But to his credit...he wasn't a retard or an "am I on TV" player...when he was folding he was insta-folding. But now dopey doesnt know what to do. I really don't care. I know I have him beat...and if I can get him to move in on me and hold, I will be chipleader. And with first place $3000, I like my chances to win against this field, and get my trip bankroll to well over what I started with.

After about 8 minutes of tanking...he finally pushes all in. I call. He flips over 10-10. Flop comes A-7-8. Good so far. Two hearts...I look, neither of us have a heart. Turn is the 10 of hearts. FUCK! And I brick the river. Un-effing-real. I don't freak out. The meds again, working their magic. I just sit there...reacting like Barry Greenstein....like its happened 20 million times before. But of course I was pissed/disappointed/disgusted. I was left with only 800 chips. Which I got in with Q10 and ran into QQ and JJ. Nice. Yeah, I lost. And my day was over.

I was thinking about going and playing the nightly at Mirage...but as I sit here blogging, and its now on hour #2...I am too late for that tourney. So now, I think instead that I will lay in my room, and play online instead.

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In that Friday tourney at Venetian...I ended up on Gabe Costner's table. He was getting hit with the deck and amassing a sick amount of chips. I know he made it back for Day 2, but am unsure of how he finished. But then I do know that he went to play the 1k at Rio and this morning I got a text from Matt Murse, who he is rooming with, that he was down to the final 41 in the 1k...with a shot at 600k. Wow. What a nice return from the scrap heap for Gabe. I wish him the very best. I just hope that if he has a kick ass summer that he manages his funds a little better this time. Rumor has it that Claudia and Brandon Jarrett's little tryst has ended, and that Gabe and the "Claw" may be patching things up. So this could end up being quite a summer for Gabe all around. Maybe the time away from each other taught them both a lot of lessons, about each other, about poker, and about life. Who knows? Maybe not. I wish them both the best.

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The guy I am rooming with, 'Smiling Don Norman' of St. Louis...who just finally read my blog and got a little worked up over my bashing of the "Louie's" from his home turf, played the $1500 at Rio yesterday and got through to Day 2....with them being only 7 from the money. 1st place was paying $515k. Nice. So he was all excited, of course going back for Day 2. I was really hoping he would make a nice score. Hell, everyone else I know this year seems to have made one. And since he is now in my immediate company, it would only make sense for him to nail one. But right after they got in the money...he picks up KK. He raises. The tourney chipleader re-raises. He moves in and runs smack into freaking aces. The aces hold and he was out with a min cash. He just got back to the room, all dejected. This game will just rip your heart out.

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 I'm serious...I'm almost to the point in my life that if someone offers me a job making between 75k-100k...I am taking it. I am almost over this life...the constant grind, the being away from my wife and dogs...the constant BS that never seems to end. The double standard that exists in this game is pathetic. Guys like Mike Matusow can act like a complete jackass, piss off the whole table...but never even get a warning. Why? Because he has been on TV and won something substantial?  Guys like me, talk up the whole table, have 7 or 8 of the players having the time of their poker-life...but let there be ONE guy who doesnt care for it...let him freak out, bitch to a manager about me...and suddenly, I am in hot water. Didn't break a rule. Didn't berate anyone. Didn't say anything ugly. Just having fun...talking, drinking maybe....but now I am the bad guy?  Its a crock. If I was on TV...or had won a bracelet, I could burn the casino to the ground and not get a warning. Would I want that preferential treatment? Hell no! I think all players should be treated EQUALLY! For me to NOT be allowed to play at Rio this summer because of 'concern that I might do something' that causes the management to be alarmed, is just utterly ridiculous. So I have to admit...I am out here feeling a bit empty inside. And depressed. But whatever...since there is obviously nothing I can do to change their minds or their perception of me...my new strategy is to pretty much just be a good little monkey...all hopped up on my new mind numbing anti-depressant Celexa...and when next summer rolls around they will all be convinced that they have nothing to fear from the Vegged Out Poker Monkey and let me come back and play. Then maybe I can win a bracelet...and a million dollars...only then, it won't matter what I can get away with at casinos, because I will have lost my desire to even be there playing. Isn't it funny, or won't it BE funny how that will work out for me? Or them? What a goofy game this is. What a goofy LIFE this is. I'm done here, I think.

Have a nice day. No telling when you may hear from me again.

Monkey