WEEKEND BLITZ FROM HELL!!!!

Saturday. First hand. 22. Flop. A-2-J rainbow. Win the hand. In fact, double up. Wow! Is this going to be 'my weekend' finally online? That one I have been waiting for? For so long now?

Its one thing to go cash 4 or 5 times at a circuit event. Its one thing to win a couple huge field tourneys in Las Vegas, win lots of cash...and feel otherwise really good about yourself and your life.

Its another to wish like hell that you could translate what you think are skills to the wonderful game of online poker, and actually click that button that says 'withdrawal' one time. Instead of depositing your $500 or so, and watching yourself run around on the wheel of variance like a rat on a wheel. Laptops get tossed, mouses get thrown at walls, wifes get snapped at, thus causing marital discord, dogs get pushed off the bed when you take YET another harrowing defeat. It never changes. It never stops. They keep coming. Like the zombies in 'Night of the Living Dead' the bad players just keep coming....walking....slowly...arms lifted...blood dripping from every orifice...longing to suck out on you....calling your name.

"Monkeyyyyyyy.....Monnkkkkkeeeeeyyyy......I dont care if you have AhKh....I dont care if I got busted trying to squeeze raise with 2c6c....monnnnkkkeeeeyyyyyyy....I'm gonna look you up with your 4x re-raise of me........aaaaahhhhhhh....ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....."

That's right. Hand #2 of the day. That was the one. Flop? A-3-10, one club. I bet out...quite a bit...because this is POKERSTARS bitch! now in real life...I would bet maybe half the pot there. Oh this is a different animal though, huh? Zombista calls. Yep. With 2-6. He has completely MISSED the flop. The turn brings...Ahem....the K of clubs. Now most GOOD players are probably checking here right? Thinking, "hmmmm, he must have an ace, eh? I suppose by checking here, I might cause him to think I was merely running a continuation bet, and me not betting here may just possible induce him to bet, and probably too much, and then I can take all his chips."

Right? Aren't all of you GOOD players thinking that? Well. You would be SPOT ON. However, again, I have to stress, we are on Pokerstars. It is Saturday. Nothing in my poker life can ever compare to the mental stress that is endured on the numerous Saturdays that I have labored on this mother(*#Q# site. And what I really love, is when that assshole will type into the chat bar....

"hey if you hate it so much, go play somewhere else."

If anyone know where this prick lives, please email me his address, I would like to walk up to his door, ring his doorbell, and when he answers I want to immediately punch him in the throat. IF he gets up, I am going to hand him a grenade. Then I am going to pull the pin and run like hell.

Dude. DO NOT THINK for ONE SECOND that I have not TRIED to play on other sites. Full Tilt. Ultimate Scam. Absolute bullshit. BoFag. Yeah I've tried them all. There is NO traffic on those sites. You wait forever for a game. And the players are just as bad. If not worse. There is ZERO difference in the play on any of the sites. Its just straight up an ONLINE thing. And I do NOT know why. I've tried to play Ultimate Bets satellites to try and save the 5k buyin for Aruba...but fuck ME, there arent ANY PLAYERS playing those. I expect UB to qualify about 10 players through the online alley.

Back to this hand. AK.....with two pair on the board. I have been watching this fool for quite some time, and have determined that he calls EVERY bet...so I figure I may as well put in another one. And larger. So I do. Well, he NOW has a club draw so of COURSE he's calling now. In fact, I am shocked that he didn't move all in! The river....this is where it gets quite funny. He rivers the 5 of clubs. I am planning to check call now. Which is what I do. Only one problem. He doesnt bet. He checks! Huh? And wins with his 26 flush. I hurl something across the room.

On another completely different note: Do you people read Wild Bill's blog? The one on the top left corner of the front page? If you are interested in brushing up on some big words, and some insight into our political process, as well as some of his opinions on our current domestic issues, I would highly recommend checking it out. Bill and I are a lot different personalities, I am pretty loud and boisterous (at the table) and he is very calm/mellow. The casual observer would never 'make us' for friends. Sort of like Allie Prescott and I. What they (the people who don't really know me, like the pricks who like to assassinate my character on here with their 'anonymous' comments) don't realize is that I am about as placid away from the table as a labotomy patient. Anyway...that was a sidebar. Bill is very smart. Not sure where he went to school, or what he majored in, but hes very articulate, and he even works some humor into his blog. If you can just work your way around the poker blather (which I hate reading in ANY blog) there is a goldmine of reading there.

So...this weekend, yeah. I started on Saturday with $474.32. Right now...Sunday at 6:39pm, I have $406.63. I must have played, I would guess...150 MTTS and/or SNGs in the last two days...and for my efforts I have lost 68 dollars. That is awesome. I won't bore you with details of my wonderful assrapes, but they have been plentiful. K10 continues to torment me. The best I think was when this lady, who had been shoving like a claustraphobic mental patient at a rock concert shoves 2360 (with blinds at 100/200) in this $22 MTT, and I have KK in the BB. Hmmm...I sort of have her K10 dominated. Flop? Anyone? Come on....you can do it.....this is EASY!

J-Q-9

Um. I think that makes a straight.

Then there was this one. I am second in chips, in a $33 sng, with 45 players...and 8 left. 7 get paid. I pick up AA UTG. I like to limp here, hoping that a smaller stack picks up something 'he has to shove with' and does that. But instead what I get, is the ONE guy who has me covered going all in. And turns over 10-10. Which I hate. I hate it whenever that player has ANY pair. Have anything...AK, KJ, A10, QJ...ANYTHING...just not a pair. NOT deuces...not 6's...no PAIR! What happens? He hits a fucking 10. And I go out on the BUBBLE! Instead of having a RIDICULOUS amount of chips...with 8 left...and a shot at $300...I get....oh yeah, NOTHING!

I would get deep this weekend. OFten. Quite often. Pretty sure if you 'check my stats' (as all of these assholes like to always challenge you to do.....'check my stats man!!! ) you will see at least ten cashes this weekend. But none that get you excited about the bills I have to pay in the next couple of days. You know that feeling? When you pull a nice 10k score or more...and your bills are like $3200...and you can't WAIT to pay them? Yeah.....not feeling that.

FUCK ONLINE POKER! Oh, but you can be sure that I will be right back on there! because like that animal in the science experiments, who goes after the food, despite getting greeted with that electric shock....I can't resist! Bbbbbbbbzzzzzzzzzzaaaappp! OUCH!

CALIFORNIA 6, CHINESE TAIPEI 3 ! SUCK ON THAT FUCKERS!

Monkey...at home, playing online poker, drafting fantasy football teams. Squirrel, conned into helping Gabe and Claudia move all their heavy shit to their new house (which I already told her, two weeks ago...to NOT let happen, us being 'invited' to help them move) all day.

I think we must score this one MONKEY 1, SQUIRREL 0.

Folks, listen. First of all, its not bad enough that I have a bad back (herniated disc) and a bad knee (courtesy of recent chair that I kicked across the room in New Orleans) that is going to require surgery and am now 42 years old. Thats one thing. But the other? It wouldn't matter if I was 18, in awesome shape, and was looking for an excuse to walk around with my shirt off showing off my killer abs like Matthew McConaughey cruising around whichever beach he's on at the time. None of that would matter. Okay, maybe if I was single, and the 'friend' I was helping move was some smoking hottie who I was 97% sure was going to 'give it up' at the end of the day. Maybe THEN! But only then! Moving is something you DO NOT ASK YOUR FRIENDS to help you with. You just don't. It's not cool. Because its one of those guilt things.

If you friend calls you at 3am, from jail...needing a ride, or to be bailed out...you HAVE to go right? Same with running out of gas. Or needing a ride cuz they are shit faced drunk. There is that inner feeling of guilt..."jeezuz, what if I say no?" You are in a no-win situation. You can't win this one. They ask you to help them move...you say no....they think you are an asshole now. Right? Thats really fucked up. They are an asshole for ASKING you. They have these things called MOVING COMPANIES. You can find them in the yellow pages. You will NOT find "Flat tire helpers at 3am" or "Out of Gas rescuers", "Buddies to Bail You Out, Inc," or "Driving You Drunk Is Us." Nope none of those are in there. But there ARE people that WILL come help you move. CALL THEM! I would even be willing to chip in for them. And come over and sit and drink a beer with you. While we watch these guys load up the moving van.

REMEMBER this when its time to move. I pledge to you guys...ALL OF YOU...no matter how TIGHT we ever get...I will NEVER, EVER ask you to help me move.

Squirrel should be home soon...can't wait to see what kind of mood she's in! I have a prediction though. Its going to be a night spent in the living room.

Joined a gym yesterday. Planet Fitness. Joined it online. Last day to take advantage of their 'special offer.' Now, what is the over/under on days that will pass before I step foot in there? Now taking side bets.

My pools are filling up REALLY FAST! I finally got my online web guy to build me a template for my $50 NCAA SURVIVOR POOL...which starts THIS weekend! Sweeeeet! Football is here!
Now, all of my pools run on www.officefootballpool.com Wanna get in? Here is the info for everyone. If you do this, first thing to know is that you NEED to SET UP a USERNAME before you start trying to join pools!

NCAA SURVIVOR POOL / POOL ID# 50515 PASSWORD: poolmonkey
NFL Big100 SURVIVOR POOL/ POOL ID #36254 PASSWORD: poolmonkey
NFL $25 SURVIVOR POOL / POOL ID #36217 PASSWORD: poolmonkey
NCAA/NFL CONFIDENCE POOL/ POOL ID #36221 PASSWORD: poolmonkey

In both of my NFL Survivor Pools, you get a ONE TIME rebuy if you lose in the first 6 weeks. We usually get about 75% of the field rebuying. Last years $100 pool winner got $14,500. Nice. The Confidence Pool I think is my favorite pool. Every week I select the best games...usually about 7 NCAA and 7 NFL games...you pick a winner of every game (no spread) and then assign a confidence rating...1 being least confident, and 12 or higher (depending on the number of games that week) being the most confident. Each win gets that many points. Each week there is a winner. And the season overall winners (1st-3rd) also win money. Its a great pool. In fact, all my pools are great. And every year now for almost 15 years I have a great bunch of people who play them.

And oh...for you haters out there, who think this might be YET ANOTHER WAY TO SCREW ME??? You will be dissappointed to find out that I don't take a 'bookies cut' for running these. Ha! In fact, I report all monies that I win through my pools. So, sorry. Keep diggin though, I'm sure you will find something!

Uh Oh...there goes the garage door opener. She's home. Time to wrap this up. I think things are about to get ugly!!!!

MONKEY

BTW: Just broke the record today for hits in one month! Thanks everyone!