"911.....where is the Emergency?"

Uh......Table 76..... I mean, table 35....wait wait wait, check that....table 25. Oh no, I'm sorry, it was table 25, now its table 41.

The DATE, January 7, 2011, has officially been inducted into the "MONKEY'S WORST DAYS OF POKER" Hall of Fame. Right up there with November 17, 2007 in New Orleans. Or that day up in Atlantic City when I lost 5 tourneys in one day.

This event has NOT gotten off to a good start. And that is being, uh, polite. I will say some positive things, however. The structures at the Beau are FIXED.

Tourney #1 has a lot of good players that have made the money...always a sign of better structure.

A good crew of dealers and floor people have been assembled. That's nice. We have tournament clocks for ALL the tourneys! We have floor people that actually know the game of poker! We have nice field sizes. The cocktail waitresses got new uniforms finally, and the guys love them. I, of course had an unfair advantage....I have already seen them early!

I don't have nearly enough time to blog this morning...as its 15 til noon. I've been up since 10am addressing the typical last minute entries that come pouring in on the last day to get into my NFL Playoff Pool...a yearly occurrence. Got in last night at 2am...and stayed up until 6am entering late picks. Just a nightmare. So freaking tired. And now I have to put on my new 'MONKEY' Seahawks customized jersey and just pray that we dont get murdered. Maybe I will bring a back up outfit with me.

DAY 1:

Started with nightly Survivor tourney. Went on a heater....had a lot of chips...got close to the money...and lose THREE consecutive hands where my opponent had ONE live card...and was out just shy of the money.

Go play a SNG. Get heads up. Lose. But did win a last longer bet...to break even for the day.

Had reunion with SEVERAL of my longtime poker buddies. Drank a TON of lemon drops, red snappers and grey goose and sodas. Got very hammered. Went to Terrace Cafe with Don Norman....who is staying at my house. And I ate...ya ready? Crab Cakes. Bacon. Lasagna and half of Brian Hepinsted's steak. Yeah, I was kind of hungry!

Then Don drove us home...thank God. Oh...btw, Don ran good yesterday and heads back for todays money round (Day 2). This feels like summer all over...where we roomed together....and he ran like God and I ran like Satan all summer. I might have to kick him out!

DAY 2. The nightmare.

Arrive for $550 on time. Lose nearly every hand I play early. $10k becomes $5500. Then call a raise with KQ. Flop K-Q-6. Check raise. Guy jams. He has AA. Yikes. I hold. Double up. Go cold. Win some hands. Up to 16k. Looking good. Cutoff raises to 400 (at 75/150)...I call in SB with 99. Flop comes 9-6-4...all hearts. I check. Guy bets 1100. I raise to 2550. He tanks. Then makes it 5000. I shove all in. He tanks forever. Then calls. Turns over AK. Ace of hearts. Turn. Jack of hearts. No help on river. Out. SHIT!

Good news? I can play the Omaha 8 or Better at 4pm? Bad news? It was a bigger shit storm than any Omaha tourney I can remember. I do not have enough fingers and toes to count the times my monster flopped hand was killed on either the turn or the river by 'pile of shit' hands that should never have even been IN the hand. I nearly lost my mind...but instead, I just lost my chips. And at 6:50pm...I was on my way to the 7pm nightly.

7pm nightly. Up and down....ridiculously maniacal play at all five tables I was at. Yes...I was the guy who kept moving to the next table to break. So I had the opportunity to be driven nuts by a WiDE variety of insane maniacs! My death arrived in the form of a one-outer at the hands of...a woman. And unknown woman...not one of the ladies who I recognize to be a talented player. Nope it was one of the 'other' kind. With only 15 players left...and 8 getting paid, I moved in with KQsuited...after having lost two big races before that...and she calls with A10. Fair enough. But when the flop comes K-Q-10...im just fading a Jack or an ace (in my mind) but instead....the dealer turns her a TEN! Oh...and NOT the one that would have given me a flush on the river. The OTHER one! Perfect! OUT!

NExT! Time to go to SNG land! Hi folks! My name is Carnie Monkey! Welcome to 80/20 Land! I will be your carnival ride host today! Don't worry you only have to be this good to ride this ride! Any two cards play!!! Step right up....da da daaaaad a daddddaaaa daaaa da! Yeah thats me simulating that circus music, you know the tune!

This time I am playing with my good [using that term very loosely] buddy Mike "Spider" Schneider...aka....CarWash....and a variety of other nicknames I came up with for him last night. I got lots of chips. I lost lots of chips. I started eeeking my way back in. Wash and I had a $100 heads up last longer. I look at AKd in the SB....folds around to us. I offer him $20 to call my shove. "Blind?" he asks? Sure...why not. He is drunk and in one of those 'I hate money' moods he and I get in sometimes...so he does call blind. Turns over A3. Table howls. I don't...because the dealer has been slaughtering me all day...and again...its another thrill ride on the 80/20 roller coaster! Buckle up...here weeeeee...never mind! THREE right in the window. And it holds. Of course! OUT! RarrrrrrrrhhhhhH!!!!!

FINAL sit n go! Dammit. Wash takes a seat, despite being in no position to play it. Gives me the $100 rematch. I accept. 5 way limped pot for 50. I have 3c5c in the BB. The flop comes 2-4-6...rainbow! Just the nuts! I check raise. This guy bets FIVE HUNDRED! Hahahahaha...I make it 1000...he shoves, I call. He has 4-6! Anyone wanna guess the river? And if you don't believe me, I took a photo. Yeah...feel free to ask me to see it, its on my phone. I can't post photos on here though that I've taken at the Beau Rivage...out of respect to Kenny and Johnny's request. Yeah...6 on the river. I immediately look at the dealer...and he just sank in his seat and looked at the felt. No hard feelings boys...I know you guys are my buddies and don't MEAN to treat me like you did yesterday. It just happens sometimes.

I really have to shake yesterday off. I walked out of that poker room feeling like I just went 10 rounds with Mike Tyson...the Mike Tyson from 1990-1995. I staggered out of there...so much so that I had a purple jacket guy ask if I was okay to drive. Hahahahah.....thats funny. I'm sober man! I just got the shit kicked out of me all over the poker room!

I drove home in stunned silence. Walked into my house, and there waiting at the door were my two dogs, and suddenly, life took a turn for the better.
Got a wonderful three hours of sleep and now I get to go back and try, try, try again.

For those of you who want my life...I ask you...REALLY? When things are good, yeah, its nice. But I don't take much time patting myself on the back when I am running good, because I always KNOW that days like this are waiting for me, to humble me, to depress me, to make me nuts!

Honestly, if there is ANYONE out there who wants to hire a Monkey to work for them...and it pays over 100k a year...I would probably accept your offer today. Maybe not by tomorrow, though...so you better act quick!!!! I just happen to be deep in the valley of doom and gloom this ...well, YEAR so far. But January 7th is DEAD...erased from the calendar for all time!

January 8th...whatchu got for me? Something good I hope. I really can't take another day like yesterday.

Alright....lets get outa here!


MONKEY